Its after midnight, which means mothers day is over for another year.. I was surprised by my babies with a gift, which I had told them not to buy and then the girls took me out for lunch - which was just lovely. All cafes were packed (of course) but it was enjoyable sitting and chatting and having a catch up. We have felt very divided lately, all going in separate directions so was definitely great having that time together.
I have been finding lately I don’t find much pleasure in anything really these days. My heart feels full of anger and hatred and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t feel close enough to anyone to talk to. I feel closed off from everyone, except for hubby and my three babies but I don’t want to talk to them either. I feel like the cancer has spread into my heart...and I’m worried that by feeling like this, it will literally spread everywhere and like wild fire.
I have zilch tolerance, I don’t feel happy for anyone, I have no enthusiasm for anyone or anything. I just know I am consumed by anger and hatred...and I don’t know how to relieve myself of it. I struggle on a daily basis conversing with people - I try but my heart is just not in it. I don’t have it in me to spend time with anyone or go anywhere - this stretches to places as simple as the gas station to fill the car up, except I know I have to do it otherwise I can’t go to work. Work is about the only thing that has a hold of me but without that, I don’t get any money and then I can’t pay my bills. But even there I struggle daily to cope. I want to scream at everyone to shut the fuck up, and slam the door to our office to block out the noise.
I am in pain every day and although I try to keep up with my pain meds every four hours, I forget or like today, I didn’t take any with me and so by the time we got home this afternoon, I was so tired and sore. I hate this stupid cancer...I hate what it does to me and I don’t know what to do. I am sick of being good natured and having a great attitude. I am sick of being grateful for small mercies. I hate everything...I hate this stupid life...but its all I have.
I just put my name down tonight to volunteer for Daffodil Day in August...why did I even do that? Cos I just can’t bloody help myself! I have to do the right bloody thing and ‘give back’. What a load of fucking bollocks...give back to what???? Give back because I received help after being diagnosed with this stupid cancer? OMG, I am an idiot...I am a hateful, angry, bitter and twisted cancerous old bitch... and I just fucking hate life at the moment.
Monday 14th May 2018 - 12.49am
Monday 14 May 2018
Tuesday 1 May 2018
What a shit day
oh my giddy aunt, I just re-read my post from this morning. Full of mistakes - words without spaces, incorrect spelling - ugh. I usually try to proof read before posting but something always slips through. And often when I hit the space bar its like I haven’t even touched it. But enough...
Rough day today...no reason in particular - well actually thats not quite true. Got shit going on in my head but unable to express it to anyone. Coupled with a lack of sleep, and a menopausal mood, its not a happy one thats for shit sure.
Why does life have to be so hard and so complicated? Why do humans have to be so complex? Why do we have to ‘love’ people...it would be so much easier if we didn’t. I saw a picture on facebook this morning of my mum and her best friend, who was without a doubt one of my other favourite people. Lots of memories and emotions came flooding back and I felt like breaking down and crying. I’ve been thinking about mum a bit lately and I guess with Anzac Day last week, thinking about dad who fought in WWII - I have felt their loss considerably. I get sick of being the strong person all the time...just because I am a mum doesn’t mean I have all the answers and it doesn’t mean I don’t need to lean on someone sometimes. I’m going through a real hate cancer stage at the moment. I know how lucky I am to be as well as I am but I am just sick of it....I am sick of taking it like a trooper...sick of being happy and positive...I am sick of working full time...sick of being responsible for the bills...sick of being the one to sort everything out...sick of being treated at work by the young people like I don’t matter...just absolutely fucking sick of everything...
I have no enthusiasm for anything right at this moment...
Whats that old saying...”lifes a bitch and then you die”
Tuesday 1st May - 7.24pm
Rough day today...no reason in particular - well actually thats not quite true. Got shit going on in my head but unable to express it to anyone. Coupled with a lack of sleep, and a menopausal mood, its not a happy one thats for shit sure.
Why does life have to be so hard and so complicated? Why do humans have to be so complex? Why do we have to ‘love’ people...it would be so much easier if we didn’t. I saw a picture on facebook this morning of my mum and her best friend, who was without a doubt one of my other favourite people. Lots of memories and emotions came flooding back and I felt like breaking down and crying. I’ve been thinking about mum a bit lately and I guess with Anzac Day last week, thinking about dad who fought in WWII - I have felt their loss considerably. I get sick of being the strong person all the time...just because I am a mum doesn’t mean I have all the answers and it doesn’t mean I don’t need to lean on someone sometimes. I’m going through a real hate cancer stage at the moment. I know how lucky I am to be as well as I am but I am just sick of it....I am sick of taking it like a trooper...sick of being happy and positive...I am sick of working full time...sick of being responsible for the bills...sick of being the one to sort everything out...sick of being treated at work by the young people like I don’t matter...just absolutely fucking sick of everything...
I have no enthusiasm for anything right at this moment...
Whats that old saying...”lifes a bitch and then you die”
Tuesday 1st May - 7.24pm
No treatment this time
I am wide awake...been trying to go back to sleep since about 3.00am. Thats what happens when you try to go to sleep atan earlier time...what a bloody waste of time. Whats the lesser of the two evils? Going to sleep late and fighting with yourself when its time to get up? Or going to sleep early, wake up hours earlier and I presume feel buggered earlier while at work - guess I’ll find out soon enough.
Went for my oncology appointment yesterday to be followed with my treatment. Only thing is, I forgot to go for my blood test last week - what an idiot! First time in almost wo years I have done that...or not done that as the case may be in this instance and so they didn’t want to go ahead without seeing bloods. Plus I happened to mention that my teeth are a bit sensitive when I have a hot drink, so strike two.......I now have to be referred to Greenlane Hospital to get my teeth checked out, so no more treatment until that gets done. The oncologist hopes I should be seen before my next treatment is due in 28 fays. What a colossal screw up.
Life is ticking along...I am still following my keto ‘diet’. Not too much difference happening on the scales but have lots inches. I have gone down a dress size...brought a couple of tops the other night, in a smaller size and the lady in the chemist asked how it was going and commented on the weightloss in my face and top half, so that was great to hear. Because the scales aren’t shifting too much, sometimes I get a bit frustrated and fed up although I know the ‘science’ behind it. My taste buds havedefinitely changed. I had some 70% cocoa chocolate the other day and previously when I had tried ot, I thoight it was pretty disgusting. Now I am finding it quite sweet and an enjoyable treat. I don’t drink tea any more, not even with cream...its now sugarless coffee with cream...and herbal teas. Who am I? And what has happened to the real Tania????
I have found myself a wee hobby and one I am enjoying it immensely. My cousin when she saw a big blanket I was crocheting, happened to mention that maybe I should do babies ones and donate to people in need. That idea immediately got my attention and so I started basically the next day. I put a call out on facebook askng if anyone had any spare wool sitting in their cupboards and I have had so much given to me...its awesome! A couple of the ladies at work went and brought me some, they were so impressed by this idea and lots of people sharing what they had at home - time and time again I am humbled by the kindness of people. People who I don’t know, are gifting me some of their wares - its quite hard to put imto words how it makes you feel. I am now on my 8th blanket...I want to go out in the weekend and get some knitting needles. I was thinking I might make some bootees as well if I can find a nice simple yet cute pattern. And then once I have a wee stash, will find somewhere to donate them to. I feel like I am doing something worthwhile...it keeps me busy and I can do it in the comfort of my own home whenever I feel like it. I had been wondering whether to do volunteer work but was reluctant to commit myself for various reasons. This is perfect...and I can keep doing it as long as I have wool (and I have a nice wee stash).
Winter is creeping up towards us and with that, the aches are making themselves felt again. It was a wonderful reprieve over summer without them but as with everything in life, nothing goood or worthwhile sticks around forever. To be honest they have been quite horrendous and I have been trying my best to not take anything for them, but its pointless because the time comes where the pain gets out of control and hits you with a bang! Also because it had been a four month nreak between oncology appointments, I was running super low on pain killers, my usual ones, not the stronger ones. I had rung my GP to get a script of all mt tablets and she didn’t give me any bloody paracodeine!!! But I made it through ok...and the oncologist has given me a shitload - in fact I cracked up when the lovely man at the chemist handed them over! They look like a box of tissues! Usually I getso,ething like 200, think this time I got something like 700! Should keep me going for a wee while then...
Oops alarm has just gone off...guess that means another day is due to begin. Wonder what it will bring...
Tuesday 1st May 2018 - 5.39am
Went for my oncology appointment yesterday to be followed with my treatment. Only thing is, I forgot to go for my blood test last week - what an idiot! First time in almost wo years I have done that...or not done that as the case may be in this instance and so they didn’t want to go ahead without seeing bloods. Plus I happened to mention that my teeth are a bit sensitive when I have a hot drink, so strike two.......I now have to be referred to Greenlane Hospital to get my teeth checked out, so no more treatment until that gets done. The oncologist hopes I should be seen before my next treatment is due in 28 fays. What a colossal screw up.
Life is ticking along...I am still following my keto ‘diet’. Not too much difference happening on the scales but have lots inches. I have gone down a dress size...brought a couple of tops the other night, in a smaller size and the lady in the chemist asked how it was going and commented on the weightloss in my face and top half, so that was great to hear. Because the scales aren’t shifting too much, sometimes I get a bit frustrated and fed up although I know the ‘science’ behind it. My taste buds havedefinitely changed. I had some 70% cocoa chocolate the other day and previously when I had tried ot, I thoight it was pretty disgusting. Now I am finding it quite sweet and an enjoyable treat. I don’t drink tea any more, not even with cream...its now sugarless coffee with cream...and herbal teas. Who am I? And what has happened to the real Tania????
I have found myself a wee hobby and one I am enjoying it immensely. My cousin when she saw a big blanket I was crocheting, happened to mention that maybe I should do babies ones and donate to people in need. That idea immediately got my attention and so I started basically the next day. I put a call out on facebook askng if anyone had any spare wool sitting in their cupboards and I have had so much given to me...its awesome! A couple of the ladies at work went and brought me some, they were so impressed by this idea and lots of people sharing what they had at home - time and time again I am humbled by the kindness of people. People who I don’t know, are gifting me some of their wares - its quite hard to put imto words how it makes you feel. I am now on my 8th blanket...I want to go out in the weekend and get some knitting needles. I was thinking I might make some bootees as well if I can find a nice simple yet cute pattern. And then once I have a wee stash, will find somewhere to donate them to. I feel like I am doing something worthwhile...it keeps me busy and I can do it in the comfort of my own home whenever I feel like it. I had been wondering whether to do volunteer work but was reluctant to commit myself for various reasons. This is perfect...and I can keep doing it as long as I have wool (and I have a nice wee stash).
Oops alarm has just gone off...guess that means another day is due to begin. Wonder what it will bring...
Tuesday 1st May 2018 - 5.39am
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