A wonderful Christmas Day (2017)

Christmas Day is over...all that mental running around and stress of what to buy who, what goodies to eat is over for another year. I think I was pretty ok...I pretty much had mine sorted early on and just had to go to the supermarket first thing Christmas Eve to get the fresh goods we needed. So I was there a few minutes before opening...with about 100 other people!!!!! What a crack up! It was a jam trying to get a trolley and it was slow going through the first few aisles but it was completely worth it! I was done and dusted, back home by 9.00am...even stopping into The Warehouse to get myself a sunhat - I was pretty damn happy with myself.

Since my baby girl and her honey weren’t going to be home Christmas morning, we had decided we would do presents after we got home from the beach, so basically it was get up in the morning, put the cold foods and drinks into the chilly bins, load up the car and off we go. Hubby had loaded the car up the night before with the towels, and anything else which was able to be...it was great. We were on our way before 8.00am.

It was just the best day ever! It was exactly what I had hoped for. We were the second ones to arrive (9.00am) (the first ones had stolen our usual area) and we tried to spread ourselves out (all three of us) in the anticipation of baby girls ‘other’ family arriving. The sun was shining, the water was beautiful and sparkly. We had brekky as soon as we were unloaded, and I was off for a swim pretty much as soon as my food settled. It was such a relaxing day...baby girl and her honey and his lovely family arrived about lunch time I think - it was lovely sharing the day with them. A really lovely family...the kids are great - it honestly was such an enjoyable day. Its nice to have little kiddies around on Christmas Day, they make it a little more fun I think. We didn’t leave until 8.00pm so had definitely been there making the most of the day. Hubby went for a walk around the rocks to do some fishing and came home with a snapper (although he didn’t say anything until we got home) and the other guys went diving and the sisters and kids all went for a walk. Nana is in a moonboot, so her and I sat and chatted away. A tough day for her, with being the first one without her husband. We talk often, I’m not afraid to ask questions about how she is feeling because I understand completely. It was nice being able to chat away as my days of being able to do that long walk or look under rocks etc is over. My back can’t handle it anymore but thats ok...I can still enjoy everything else about it. I was exhausted by the end of the day and could quite easily have jumped straight into bed but we waited for baby girl and her honey to come home to open pressies. A nice end to a beautiful day.

I heard my baby make the comment that some of her friends were saying how boring their Christmas Day was and it kind of solidified what I had been blogging about Christmas Eve when I was a kid and how boring I always found it. And I could tell by the way she said it, that she was pleased that we were all having such a good day and that warmed my heart more than anything else. Christmas is such an important day to me, and important it is an enjoyable day for the girls. Obviously it is changing now with them being older and it does sadden me sometimes that we are such a small family but helloooooo, no changing it now...until grandbabies start to appear and my big girl decides she is ready to meet someone. She is happy as she is...

And so as usual, I have come home sunburnt. I really thought I may have finally learnt my lesson and stayed out of the sun and kept my sunhat on all day but it wasn’t to be...I think I need to just face it. I am a sun bunny, albeit an old one now! But the sun is like a beacon to me...if I see a patch of it, I need to be sitting in it. My big girl is also sunburnt which is actually unusual for her. She’s normally pretty good about lathering that terrible stuff all over herself.

Its Boxing Day now. We are all lazing around in bed except my little girl. She had to work today but is happy because she has an early shift, finishing at 2.00pm. I am back to work tomorrow for three days and then another 4 day weekend - woohoo!!!!

And so the chapter ends for another Christmas but will continue to hold lots of good memories. I can finally tick it off my ridiculously small bucket list but honestly I just can’t wipe the smile off my face thinking about yesterday. What a bloody awesome day...bloody loved every minute of it!!!!

Time now for a cuppa and some toast🙂

Boxing Day 2017 - 10.28am

Christmas memories

As we count down to Christmas of 2017 hubby and I were just talking about how yet another Christmas is upon us and how much they have changed. The girls have grown up into young women leading their own lives and for the second year in a row, my baby is away for the night (Christmas eve) and we won’t see her until we meet up at the beach tomorrow. I feel sad in a way, but that is life...she has her own life to lead now, has a young man and another family in her life. Which is wonderful, to know she has such lovely people in her life. All you want for your kids is for them to be happy and for them to  make good choices and my baby girl has done that well. My big girl hasn’t quite gotten that far yet (meeting a young man yet I mean) but she is happy with what she is doing and although she is working until 11.30pm tonight, might be going out with workmates for a little while before coming home...and so she should be...they are only young, they should be going out and enjoying life. Last year the girls went out to a mates for drinks after we got home from their nana’s place where we had spent the day. First time they had ever done that...And  then I think of David and I wonder where he is. Can he see us wherever he is? And I think about the last Christmas we had together before he died.

We were having a quiet Christmas at my sisters place in Glendene...just us with our babies and a couple of my older friends who didn’t have family (we were their family until the friendship got screwed over). David and I, and the girls were supposed to stay the night...it was all organised. And it was lovely - we were all out in the backyard, the kids playing - a perfect family day. The boys had put a hangi down I think...And then some people my brother-in-law had invited over for a drink arrived. I didn’t know them...and so the boys sat with these people drinking and I sat with my friends and the kids and my sister I think was torn...she wanted to be polite to these people or maybe she wanted to join them but because we weren’t joining in, felt a bit awkward. I don’t really know, we never really talked about it. But my friends eventually left and I didn’t want to join in.  With two small babies I wasn’t interested in drinking and so I packed the girls up to go home. I remember my brother in law was quite upset which wasn’t my intention but it wasn’t the Christmas I had envisioned. I think if they had been people I had known, it would have been different..but I just felt awkward so we left...and so we left David there, to get drunk on Christmas night with people he didn’t know. His priority was to get drunk with strangers and not be with his girls. Six months later he was dead...and no more chances for family Christmases and that is my point, you just don’t know what is going to happen. I often think of that last Christmas and how he chose to stay and get drunk. My choice was to go home with my babies. I am sad when I think about it or maybe its more a case of being slightly annoyed that he made that choice but you can’t do anything to change it and none of us knew it would be our last Christmas together as a family.

Christmas has always been important to me, to make sure it was a fun day for the girls. When I was a kid, it was always such a boring day. But thats only because it was just mum and dad, and my sister and I. Poor Mum would be in the kitchen all morning cooking this big beautiful roast with all the trimmings then we’d have a late lunch, my sister I think would usually go to her mates place afterwards and we’d be stuck at home watching TV. As a kid, I could never understand why people were so excited for Christmas Day. When mum was very ill in hospital, dad decided to do a bar-b-q as it was much simpler. I was about 25 or 26 and it was weird, it felt completely strange and the traditional roast was all I had ever known but that was the beginning of a change in Christmas. I think that was mum’s last Christmas. We had all traipsed up to the hospital in the morning to visit her with a rubbish bag full of pressies, took a tape recorder up and the grandkids sang Cliff Richards Mistletoe and Wine...I remember the nursing staff all standing in the doorway of mums room listening, it was so emotional - that song still has the ability to bring a lump to my throat when I hear it.

So Christmas evolves with whoever is around and whatever is happening...for me, it is completely about family and spending time with those you love. I don’t need the presents or the flash food. We have got our picnic food ready to take to the beach and I am happy with it. No puddings to either take with us or to feast on when we get home. The kids weren’t fussed and I am happy to not have to indulge. The kids and I are looking forward to going to the beach. Hubby has mixed feelings about it I know but I really appreciate his just going along with it. He has even got his fishing gear out to take with us so that tells me, he is going to make the most of it and I love that!

So all these Christmas memories have come flooding back and with it has brought our latest Christmas Day to us. Hubby is fast asleep beside me (slightly piddled) and neither of my girls home. I don’t ever want to be one of those mums who clings on to her kids - I want them to go out and make their own life,  not revolve it around me (but please don’t forget me) but I have to admit at times I struggle. Even tonight with it just being hubby and I at home, I was torn between enjoying the quietness and emptiness of the house, yet knowing it is Christmas Eve and that my banies weren’t here.

Even on Friday night we had a few people from work around and I felt very much a generational difference between them and me. I felt like I didn’t belong...I definitely felt a divide between them and me. Certainly not in a personal way and probably not in a one on one situation but as a group, I definitely felt out of place. Yet hubby was there, his younger brother was there and one of my close workmates who is slightly younger than me, was there so it wasn’t like I was the only ‘oldie’. I don’t know why I feel like that. Maybe its just the load I carry on my shoulders...

But hey, another special day is upon us so lets enjoy it - at a much more reasonable hour! I think I can hear simging coming from somewhere, not drunk singing but like a church choir and goddammit, a bloody alarm keeps going off every 10 or 15 mins. Its very faint, probanly coming from one of the girls rooms but it better not keep me awake...sometimes those quiet noises in the dead of night are like a set of drums going off for me...

Christmas Day 2017 - 12.46am

Summertime...

Its a week out from Christmas, the sun is streaming, as I still lie in bed at 10.15am with the windows open and one curtain slightly ajar, enough to let the rays in. Such a beautiful blue sky and you can hear the birds chirping. What bliss...my idea of heaven...I wonder if this is what it will be like when I die - constant sun, blue skies, birds chirping and no getting sunburnt and peeling! Just feeling the warmth embrace you, no having to grab a blanket to wrap around yourself to attempt to keep the chills out...this is my favourite time of the year. I don’t cope quite so well as I used to. Until a few years ago, I would be lying out in the sun whenever I could get the chance, going from a pastie white colour to a lovely brown - definitely the remnants of my Maori roots coming out, from my mum. These days while I love the sun, I have to hide away under shelter, even with thoughts of wearing a wide brimmed hat to keep it off my face. God, never ever has that thought ever crossed my mind before. Still surprises me that its breast cancer which has gotten its tentacles into me and not melanoma and still I don’t put sunscreen on anywhere other than my face...maybe this year - its never too late to learn!

I had my first beach outing yesterday with my big girl and a couple of mates from work. We had planned it a few weeks ago and so I had been keenly watching the weather as the days went by hoping like hell it wouldn’t go from roasting hot to a bloody tsunami or something...as it was, it was slightly cooler than the other days but it was good enough and it was a good day. I have been wanting to do a long-ish drive for a little while now, so it was a great test run, especially considering we will be going back to the same place on Christmas Day. It felt great, I enjoyed the drive although getting frustrated with the queue of traffic for the last part of the journey. Today I am suffering a wee bit, feeling pretty achy but thats what painkillers are for and it was totally worth it. Its always nice to take new people to ‘our’ beach - Martins Bay. We have been going there for years and have a lifetime of memories, starting with when David was alive and pre-kid days.  My ideal day at the beach is to just blob, swim, eat and blob again. I have never been one to play beach cricket or touch and so I hope the girls weren’t too bored. There was a Samoan family on the opposite side of us with their volleyball net up. I know one of the girls was itching to go join them and I was trying to encourage her to go but she didn’t. ‘L’ started working with us earlier this year and right from the start there was something about this young lady that I really liked, so we struck up a friendship and I encouraged a friendship between her and my girls whom all got on very well. I am sad to hear that she will be leaving us to go back home to the Gold Coast but I understand her reasons. It comes back to that saying, people come and go from our lives...some stay longer then others, and others flit in and out. I hope this won’t be the last we see of her...I have definitely felt a protectiveness over her in much the same way as to my own girls. She was saying last night that she tells other people I am her second mum (I love that) and I think people at work (the younger ones I mean) are surprised that she has hung out with me. What they probably don’t realise is that either one or both of my girls has been with us!

This week will be a quieter one thank goodness. I have a couple of things to do today, my baby girl has a few mates coming around tonight for a pre-Christmas get together so will get out to pick up a few things for that. I aim to have plenty of rest so I won’t be exhausted for our Friday drinks with people from work. I have no idea who will come round but thats okay. There are no expectations, those who do come round can stay for as long or as little a time as they want. I am looking forward to it. The younger ones may see me in a different light away from work but even if they don’t, thats ok. In the light of summer, shit like that doesn’t make any difference...thats the difference between summer and winter - the state of mind. That might change when I walk in the door tomorrow morning...

Sunday 17th December 2017 - 11.10am

Everything has caught up

Wow, what a week. Actually, what a month! For someone who says she doesn’t go out much or likes to make sure she has down time, to be able to get through another week of work, I sure as hell haven’t lately! There has been catch up’s with people, lunches, dinners, parties and such like...to the point where I pretty much came down with a crash tonight. Presently, its about 9.40pm and I have had to fight with myself to wake up to go for a wee, that was about 9.00-ish. I even left work just after 4pm, I couldn’t even manage that last half hour, I had had it! I came home, had a snack of cheese and crackers and promptly crashed out in front of the TV bout 5.30...woke up enough to drag myself up to bed, quickly throwing my jimmie jams on and jumping into bed. Had a quick game on the iPad and promptly crashed out again! Thse blimmin eyeballs would not cooperate and stay open. They definitely had a mind of their own...I am now sitting up in bed with the wee fan blowing on me...hubby and big girl gone up the road to get some KFC for dinner.

Its heading towards the last week of work before Christmas. I was set to have a bery busy weekend this weekend but have had to put off my Sunday plans to ensure I get some much needed down time before work on Monday. I am gutted as so desperately wanted to catch up with this friend but have recognised that my body is calling out ‘enough!’

I need to desperately make sure I go to sleep early this week. Hubby and I have invited everyone from our office to come home after work on Friday for a ‘few’ drinks, order in some pizzas and have nibbles. I know for a fact it won’t be for just a few hours, so I need to make sure I am on my game - not for any other reason than for me to enjoy being with these people and having them here at home...a completely different setting. I am looking forward to it but have to say I was getting worried, knowing I had a full weekend in front of me, having been out this week, and having late nights, I was starting to freak out a bit.

This last weekend was chocka full. My sister flew over from Melbourne for the weekend. She was surprising a friend at a birthday celebrationon the Saturday. What a bloody awesome weekend it was too...sissy and I starting off having a quiet, civilised drink, catching up but the drunker we got, the sillier we got and ended up singing at the top of our voices, to the point where my baby girl apparently wanted to call noise control on her mother...😏 ‘oops’ I don’t really drink very often either these days but it was so much fun. We all went our separate ways on Saturday. Hubby to a darts prizegiving and got home more pickled than a pickled onion, sister to her mates birthday celebration and the rest of us to a 21st. Sunday was a family bar-b-q so sissy could catch up with a few people before leaving home at the crack of dawn Monday morning. I got up just after 4am to say goodbye and so as you can imagine, everything including the tiredness has snowballed. Work Christmas dinner Tuesday night, yet another late night, my lovely cousin from Opotiki arrived on our doorstep Thursday night armed with some amazing Christmas goodies - it was just so lovely to see him and so grateful for the yummies. And then today, we had a shared lunch at work - it was pretty damn amazing...everyone completely outdid themselves so that seemed to top off such a crazy, busy time.

Unbelievable to think Christmas is only a week away...I am being very selfish this year. I think I spoke earlier about how this Christmas was about me and so I have done that. We are off to the beach for the day dependent on weather...will have very simple foods to take with us and have a chilled out day. The really funny thing is that my daughters boyfriends family are doing the same thing...at the same beach...I cracked up when I heard...I find that so weirdly funny but it will work out perfectly for my baby girl and her boyfriend, to have us all at the same place.

I am off work for a couple of weeks at the end of January / beginning of February and have booked myself a flight to Melbourne for four nights to stay with my other sister and her good friend she lives with, who I regard as very much like a sister. I am so excited about going to spend some time with them. We caught up when I was there earlier this year and E had said to me she would have loved for me to go stay with them for a couple of nights. But logistics between where both sisters live was too complicated. So my brain has been ticking over since I got home on how to do this. I am so, so looking forward to spending some time with them both. Its only a short stay but it allows me to have some chill out time and do stuff here in NZ before I go back to work.

Come January, it will be two years since I was diagnosed metastatic. Two years...In some ways its hard to believe, in some ways it feels like it has gone quick but the part that scares me a little is that, it is two years of my life that has gone, leaving me with how many more? I don’t know...by that I mean, while having this cancer I may live for ten years with it, two of those years have gone already...that leaves me with only another 8 to go. Its a scary thought. And yes I know none of us know when our time is up. But believe me there is a distinct difference between living your life and then you die, compared to having it hanging over your head knowing its going to come, but you don’t know when or how bad its going to get before you do. It can truly headfuck you but the trick is to try not to let it, or not to let it too often. The comment I so often get is “well we’re all going to die one day”...that comment just completely pisses me off. I try to be polite and smile but honestly as time goes by, I am getting less and less tolerant and say what I think, to a degree. Kind of depends on my mood...I can’t stress enough how different it is when you know you have this disease in your body that will one day kill you, even if that day is years away. Before cancer I would sometimes think about dying and actually I would wonder what would get me in the end (never for a moment think it would be breast cancer) but it was always a passing thought but knowing of course it would happen one day. Having cancer makes it a whole different ball game. It is on my mind often, it has become very much my reality. I don’t even know if this makes sense. To me it does. But you know, while knowing this disease will get me in the end one day, it is how it affects my life on a daily basis that I really dispise. Yes I am well and I am so very grateful for that...long may it continue. But its the simple things like the weariness I feel, having to be aware that I need to get plenty of rest, don’t over-do things, (or I end up crashing like tonight) leaning over into a cupboard makes my back ache, the constant aching and now with summer here, the throbbing feet once again...these things combined on a daily basis can be such a drag...but hey, it could be much much worse. So I try not to complain too much and take it on the chin. But there is a definite difference in ‘before cancer’ and ‘after cancer’.

Friday 15th December 2017 - 11.49pm