Exhausted

I am bloody exhausted!!!

It has been a pretty damn full on week...work has been "CRAZY" - I have been so frazzled the last three days, which doesn't happen to this degree very often (thank goodness) but my attitude hasn't helped either. I've been in a really "can't be fucked with your shit" mood... with everything! Its not even about work...Its just the space I am in. I HATE facebook with avengence with all the bullshit people are putting up, all the negativity, the stupid statuses...god, what a grumpy old bitch...thank goodness for family and friends - they are my saving grace.

As well as being insanely busy at work, I have been out the last three nights...Tuesday night with a couple of workmates and it was just lovely. They took me out to an Indian restaurant not far from my mother in laws and so cheap! And the food was wonderful! I will definitely like to go back there again. Then last night my girls and I went out for dinner because I decided at the last moment I didn't  want to cook dinner or have takeaways, so we went to good old fashioned Dennys and last but not least, tonight my big girl and I went to the mall to do some fathers day shopping and I needed to get a couple of accessories for her 21st. We had dinner at a cafe there - it was surprisingly good and excellent prices.

I forget that I'm not able to walk around for too long anymore. I get so tired and I ache. But especially after already having been out for the two nights previous. When I am usually lying down in bed between 7.00pm and 7.30pm most nights during the week. By the time we got home this evening, I couldn't wait to make myself a cuppa and throw myself into bed - god, what bliss!!!

I look forward to the end of the day tomorrow, so I can come home and just chill out and let my exhausted body re-charge a little. Friday evening, mmmmmmm - my absolute favourite night of the week!

I am waking up a couple of times during the nights to go to the toilet. If I hang on too long, I end up with damn urine infections. I was warned that I will be susceptable to them now, something to do with the meds I am on which curb my female hormones since my breast cancer is hormone receptive. But this week I have found it is quite painful to drag myself out of bed to deal with natures calling. I am just so bloody sore...my back aches, my feet are starting to go through a throbbing period again and my hands - god, my hand ache. I almost feel like I have really bad arthritis in them but it seems to only be during the night - once I get up to get ready for work, they have come right. But even when my alarm goes off at 5.30am, it is very hard getting out of bed due to the soreness and I feel like a little old lady hobbling around. Once I get in the shower and thaw myself out, I'm good to go. It is times like that when I think "fuck, I hate this cancer- look at what I have been reduced to". Yet when people see me, they have no idea of what goes on behind the scenes. People constantly tell me how good or how well I look, and I love hearing that! But there are little signs that something is going on within. Par for the course unfortunately...

Gosh, how I would love a nice massage right about now. Something nice and gentle and someone who knows what they are doing. I might ring the physiotherapist I met through Pinc and Steel. They deal with rehabilitation for cancer suffers and have studied the effects of cancer on the body. I was her first person with cancer in the bones...wonder if she has had any more since.

Wow, what a week - I look forward to saying goodbye to this one...apart from the usual aches and so on, life is ticking along as normal. Nothing major or bad - just normal-ish. Organising my big girls 21st birthday...21! Where has that time gone? Hard to believe David has been gone that long and what he has missed out on, and the girls too of course. Makes me feel sad knowing he won't be here to celebrate our daughters birthday. Our daughter, whom we were both so desperate for. Both our beautiful girls. All we wanted was to have our own family and when we finally did, he got his calling.

Sometimes you just get sick of being strong and brave when in fact you don't really know how to be anything else but...

Thursday 31st August 2017 - 9.33pm

General update

Its been a while since I last updated and have pretty much been hiding under the radar,  not feeling terribly sociable. Its been a pretty horrendous month to be honest. Decisions being made where I want to scream "STOP!" "NO!" But its not my place to do so and by making my objections known could put me in a precarious position. But my perception has forever changed and I will not forget. 'Loyalty' - something which is sadly lacking these days.

I had my Daffodil Day collection this afternoon - 3pm to 5pm. Unfortunately I completely forgot about it until 2.55pm when I suddenly realised and had to race off. Face devoid of any make up and lopsided, not having my false boob on! Not to mention traffic was horrendous (of course it was!) but got there in reasonably record time. As luck would have it, the co-ordinator decided to close up at 4pm which I was pleased about because I was buggered. But I have learnt a lesson- when I put my name down to collect next year, I'll be asking to have a morning time slot.

Life is plodding along as normal. I had my latest infusion at the hospital on Wednesday, all going pretty much on track. Pleasantly surprised they were able to find a vein without too much of a problem. Next appointment will be to see the oncologist as well as have my treatment. I'll be on holiday at that time - yay! Taking a week off for my daughters 21st birthday. Taking the week after it off to recover and spend her actual birthday with her. So just trying to cross all my "t's" and dot all my "i's" so that everything is done without having to do too much last minute running around.

Off to the movies tonight to see "Annabelle". Not really sure  I want to see it - I watched the trailer last night and nearly crapped myself! Goosebumps, the hairs on my arms stickimg up...the whole shabang! But my big girl wants to go and see it on the big screen and it'll get me out of the house and make me feel like I actually have a social life! My social outings seem to be during the week after work, when I am feeling really buggered. If I'm not out then I'm in bed about 7.00 / 7.30pm. Not sleeping, just needing to lie down which I guess is a side effect of sitting up in an office chair for 8 hours. We have just recently brought in a new Drug & Alcohol Policy at work and had an education session yesterday. Basically the lady told me because of the levels of codeine I take on a daily basis, I will more than likely fail any drug test I take. I need to get a letter from my oncologist to put on file stating the reason I am taking it. I might check at my next oncology appointment if there is some other kind of painkiller he can prescribe for me. My other concern is that it zonks me out. I try not to take the higher dosage until I get home, to help me get through the night and the effects have worn off by the morning. The scary thing though is that it stays in your system for two days I think it was...if I am taking it daily, what sort of levels will show? Guess I will be finding out in the near future!

Saturday 26th August 2017 - 5.34pm

Time to give back

Finally it is my favourite night of the week (Friday) and I am in my favourite place (bed) with my favourite beverage (cup of tea). Bliss....its been a pretty full on week, lots of thoughts swirling around in my head as usual though in a much better place these days. As far as the cancer is concerned anyhow.

On Wednesday I left work early to attend a meeting at the NZ Breast Cancer Foundation which I had been invited along to. They are putting rogether a new initiative for those of us with mbc - I'm not really sure whether I should be talking about it just yet, so won't go into detail but it was really interesting. There were four other women with mbc and we were encouraged to talk about our fears, symptoms, what means a lot to us, what would be our ideal means of escape and so on.

I have decided to volunteer this year for Daffodil Day - Saturday 26th August - time and place to be comfirmed, and I have also registered for the Pink Ribbon Street Appeal which is in October. A couple of hours for each. I remember last year when they were looking for volunteers and while I wanted to do it, I just didn't have anything left in the tank after working all week. So that shows you how far I have come in the last 12 months. And this time last year, I hadn't long returned back to work after a five month recuperation period from the fiasco with my bilateral mastectomies, amd the dramas which followed. So its super pleasing to see that a year later I am feeling so well with more energy...hmmm not sure thats the right word!  But it feels right to be signing up this year and it feels important to be giving back in some way. Breast cancer sufferers in NZ have an amazing support network or is it breast cancers worldwide? There is a lot of focus on it, and I know a lot of the other foundations don't get quite so much aimed at them. So I am grateful...

Still seems really surreal to hear myself say or see myself write about me having cancer - the big 'c'. It was always something in the back of my mind, worrying about what would eventually get me and worrying that it would be cancer. But funnily enough never for a moment thinking it would be breast cancer.

At the meeting the other day, there were five of us ladies mbc and a lot of the conversation was around the anxiety that everyone experiences. One of the ladies and myself both made the comment that we don't feel that we experience a lot of anxiety.  The other ladies all said we were the first two they had ever heard say that. I mean, I know I worry at times but that is usually when I am due for results or an extra twinge makes itself known, but in normal day to day life, I don't feel 'cancer anxious'. I even forget sometimes (almost) that the dreaded stuff is even apart of my life - its great. But this may change much further down the line as things change. Thats why I enjoy being at work fulltime, it gives me something else to think about and my days are so full, I just forget. I recently had cause to wonder if I should go part time but then reality hits and I realise I can't really afford to at this stage, and I should really be making the most of feeling fine and being able to cope with the hours.

My eyes are tired - had a late night last night, went out for dinner and then was awake at 4.00am to go wee's and couldn't go back to sleep so checked facebook and played games on the ipad til I got up at 5.30am. I have felt tired all day, haven't been feeling too sociable at work lately and today being a particularly draining day. Glad of a bit of space for a few days.

God I love weekends...

Friday 4th August 2017 - 10.26pm