Too much?

It has been a long 8 months since my diagnosis, so many hospital visits, and I was going to try and document it all here, but feel it will take me months to 'catch up'. Have I been giving too much information?  But I guess at the end of the day, this is like an online diary for me and it will be something my daughters can read (if they wish to), so they know exactly what has happened, even though they have had to journey their way through it with me.

To date, I have lost one of my implants to an infection, so I am now lopsided, and when I wish to appear 'normal' with two boobs, I wear my prosthesis. Most times in the weekends, I don't, and I don't really care if people notice.  I don't do it to gain attention, I just don't like wearing it all the time.

The other major thing which has happened, which I touched on previously, is that I now have metastatic breast cancer.  It has spread to my bones.  It was originally found of my thoracic spine, and after having a bone scan done, have found it is also in my ribs, my right upper thigh and in my lower back.

I have been told that people with cancer in their bones can live for years.  I am too scared to ask how many...but I have heard people say they know of people who are still alive after ten or so years with it.  So I can only hope I will be one of those.

I hate having cancer...it terrifies me. I hate what it has done to me, and how it has changed me. I am scared of everything.  Everytime I get a twinge I worry if the cancer is getting worse or if it has spread elsewhere.  Everytime my right arm aches (where I had 33 lymph nodes taken from that armpit) I worry if I am getting lymphodema...

In the initial stages of this journey, I tried to be upbeat about things and not worry.  I carried a positive attitude because in all honesty, I truly believed once I had the mastectomies done, that would be the end of it. I could go back to normal.  There are so many things I had not expected...