Birthday wishes my love - May 2020

Today is what would have been David’s 57th birthday. Hubby and I were talking about it this morning and I decided not to put a post up on facebook. Sometimes it just feels too personal to constantly share it with everyone. But this afternoon, the now youngest of the brothers put a happy birthday status up of him with a photo. Every time I went on facebook that status was always the first thing I would see and that photo...I can’t really describe the feelings it has brought out. The photo is almost like he could step out of it and the tee shirt he is wearing, he absolutely loved. I feel my heart is broken all over again and to be honest, the tears aren’t too far away.  He has been visiting me a lot over lock down, and even before to be honest. Only the other night I dreamt of David and I remember so clearly going up to him and putting my arms around his waist, and I could feel him put his arms around me. It was so real...and when I woke up to find it wasn’t real, I felt such an ache. It has nothing to do with my feelings about my husband, it doesn’t mean that I love him any less...I simply miss David and so many memories are flooding back along with very vivid images of him in my mind. It makes me angry all over again that the girls and I have been ripped off. Not just us of course, but his mum, and his brothers especially. And so many others that were touched by him. While there were times where he was an arsehole, he was majorly a wonderfully, kind person and I loved him so, so much. We had such a volatile relationship at times but it started after his dad passed away. David was riddled with guilt, of which I won’t go into details, but I know. He loved kids, all kids and was so happy when we had our girls. He just simply adored them. I used to clean Countdown at night time and I would come home and our youngest baby would have gotten up after I left home and would be curled up in her daddys arms on the couch on my return. Little monkey...they both loved it! He used to take the girls out for a drive in the weekends and be gone for hours, having said he was just going down the road! Never asking if I might like to go for a drive too...I wonder where our lives would be now if he hadn’t died. And I wonder if I will get to be with him when I die. How I would love to see him again and to hear his irresistably hilarious laugh.

My poor David, taken far too soon. He will have been gone for 19 years this June. 19 years! How can that be possible!

Thank you for the photo lil brother-in-law...I have taken it from your facebook post. 

David will always be my first true love. My heart still breaks for him, and I miss him terribly. Some times are worse than others. 

Rest in peace my love. I hope you are keeping an eye on us all and please keep your girls safe. Give them signs that you are watching over them because I know they miss you dreadfully, no matter how young they were when you died. God life is so damn unfair.

Love you my Davey wavey...xx

Friday 15th May 2020 - 6.55pm

follow up dental appointment

I had my follow up appointment at Greenlane this afternoon after having x-rays etc taken of my jaw etc last Thursday. It was confirmed that the cause is from the zoladronic acid (zometa) infusions I have been regularly having to strengthen my bones. The condition is called ‘osteanecrosis’ of the jaw. The phosphate has worn the gum away to expose three separate parts of bone in my jaw. It will never be cured, but it can be hopefully managed with good oral health i.e. brushing teeth regularly, getting teeth cleaned regularly at the dentist (bi monthly preferrably) and using mouth wash a few times per day to kill off any bacteria which could be lurking. To be honest, I am bloody guttered. Only a small percentage get this condition and secondly, it is quite un-usual to get it in two separate parts of the mouth. But of course, I am the lucky one who gets all of it! And its a fear I have always had since starting the treatment. I guess because when I was younger, I never looked after my teeth properly and as I have gotten older, I have been paying for it. Both financially and pain wise. Its definitely feeling much better than last week, I was in such excruciating painbut now it only gives me a wee reminder from time to time, at about a 2/10 opposed to a 20/10 last week. Antibiotics for another two weeks as gums are still slightly swollen and another follow up in a couple of weeks time. Hopefully it all subsides soon. Pity the mouthwash doesn’t taste like bubblegum!

And so lock down continues as does the boredom. Sad state of affairs when you look forward to going to the doctors to have your hormone shot one day and the dentist the next...

I don’t know if I said this in my last post, but I am quite worried about returning to work once we’re given the green light. The rest of my department are all working from home and I’m the only one who isn’t working. I will be going from lazing around for so many weeks and getting up at any time of the day (after going to sleep any time of the night or following morning) to having to get up earlier, be at work by a certain time and then have to sit up for hours in an office chair (not to mention actually doing work). While I know I have the absolute and total support of my bosses at work, I still can’t help but worry at how it will take it out of me.  It doesn’t seem to matter how many days I drop down to or how short I make my work days, it is just never enough. Is it time to pull the plug on working? In some ways I think yes and in others, I think no. One thing the lockdown has taught me, is that it would be too much for me to stay home all the time. I guess its much like when someone retires, time needs to be filled up in some other way. But my other fear is money, or the lack of it. I’ve always worked and had my own money, apart from when I had the girls. Actually even then, I did work. I used to look after hubbys cousins two kids during the week days, and clean a Countdown supermarket 5 nights a week late in the evenings like from 9.30pm to 1.00am. It has to happen at some time...

Wonder if Monday will bring stage two of the lockdown. Will be good to have the choice of going out somewhere even if you don’t use it. Choice makes such a difference.

Friday 8th May 2020 - 1.23am

Covid 19 catch up - May 2020

Its some ungodly hour of the morning and it seems that the rest of the household is fast asleep apart from myself, even the cats are quiet and not prowling looking for a bed or a pin cushion to knead into (often myself!). Since the occurance of the lockdown due to covid 19, my sleep patterns have become completely up the wazoo! I stay awake all night and as soon as a bit of daylight hits the house, my eyes start to close and I sleep on and off during the day. Its a pain in the preverbial and I’ll have to try and get some normality back before I go back to work - whenever that may be.

Right from the word go, or even a few days beforehand, it was decided that most people would take computers home and work from home. I wasn’t given that option as there wasn’t really anything for me to do. Most of the admin work is done by my work buddy who has been trained up to take over from me and so I have been lucky enough to be able to just relax and chill out at home. I have felt such a relief off of my shoulders, for the most part its been quite enjoyable, mixed in with periods of boredom but also knowing many others are in the same boat.

I’ve been having issues with my gums since before lockdown and had been referred to Greenlane Hosp by my dentist. I finally went on Thursday morning and it appears the issue is caused by my cancer treatment. I had right from the get go, been advised that the zoladronic acid which is used for my infusions could possibly erode the bone of my jaw down and guess what has started happening...dammit! I’m on antibotics at the moment as there is also an infection in my gum, the pain is up and down although is certainly getting better. I go back Thursday 7th May for another check up and to see what the specialist is planning. The decision will then need to be decided on whether or not I continue with the infusion. They had recently gone to three monthly instead of every 28 days. So watch this space.

All in all, apart from the dental issue, I am feeling pretty good. Not too much pain, although I’m not sitting up in an office chair for hours at a time and the thought of returning to work does worry me a bit. But after being on lockdown for five or so weeks, I can also see that I need it, to be able to get out of the house regularly. But to be honest, I forget about the cancer which has been great!

I don’t know about you, but boy have I been having some weird dreams. They started before a bit before lockdown, I remember telling a work friend about dreams of David I was having. They are still ocurring and at times are so vivid. I’ve even woken up feeling quite heart broken. Wonder whats causing these to happen...

Sunday 3rd May 2020 - 4.06am