All that crazy madness we call Christmas, is over for another year! Its Boxing Day and we are all just chilling out, sleeping the day away.
Our. Christmas day started right at the stroke of midnight as the day snuck in amongst the stars and darkness. My girls and I were running around yelling “Merry Christmas!” and hugging each other. We were all awake except my younger daughters man, but with my foghorn of a voice yelling in his room, the poor guy shot straight up out of bed thinking it was time to leave for the beach! It was hilarious!!!! I don’t think he thought so...and so so we decided to open our pressies there and then, instead of having to wait til the end of the day, after returning from the beach. It was fun! Lots of noise, and oohs and aahs and laughter. And so we decided after pressies, to have a couple of shots before all heading back off to bed. Yummo! It was peach liquer, blue curo something a-rather (a blue liquer) mixed with raspberry syrup. OMG! It was just the best...I wasn’t happy with just one, I decided I’d quite like a second one and man, was I feeling rather warm afterwards! What a brilliant way to start the day. So then we all toddled off to our beds and promptly fell asleep, except for me. I tossed and turned, tossed and turned and ended up not having any sleep whatsoever...and a bit worried about driving to the beach but I was fine. Wide awake in fact. Hubby got picked up at 5.30am by his brother as they were spending Christmas with their mum and putting an umu down. Big girl and I loaded the chilly bins up and then the car and we were up the beach by 11.00am. The others didn’t arrive until about 1.00pm & 2pm because apparently the traffic was absolute bedlam. When we left, it was great! So it was a quiet chilled out day. It was a bit chilly at times. My big girl & her aunty went for a swim. While I wanted to, I like to be roasting hot when I hut the water.
I am so grateful my sister-in law & nieces & nephew were with us. It was lovely to have the company and they were an absolute blessing to have. They helped me to tidy our food away back into chilly bins and pack the car up again. I was in significant pain by that time (bout 6pm). I’d spent a lot of time lying on the ground, luckily I took my pillow and when I wasn’t lying down, I was either sitting in my camping chair or at the barbeque table. My sister in law offered to drive me home, as her kids had driven her up in one of their cars. I jumped at the offer! While I felt okay, I felt much safer knowing someone else was going to drive. I can’t really express how grateful I am for their help. It really has magnified yet something else. I think maybe my beach days might be over, or maybe shorter trips instead of the whole day. I can always go so long as someone else is driving, my big girl has already put her hand up which is lovely. But I get so uncomfortable and I have spent most of today, recovering. I have been so sore, hardly able to move when I first woke to take my first lot of pain meds. I’ve slept most of the day, today so I guess finally catching up on lost sleep from the previous night. Even now, I can feel my eyes drooping and I’ve taken my last lot of pain meds. They’ve been knocking me around quite a lot lately.
But the one thing I like about the day after Christmas, is the left overs! No cooking, yet dinner and pudding ready at your finger tips. I made an ambrosia on Christmas Eve to have at home on our return after the beach. Too hard to take pudding up and trying to keep them cold and not covering everything else in cream...I was exhausted by the time we got home and had a bit to eat. Ate nothing but rubbish at the beach. Simply too lazy to get something proper to ear so simply filled upon bloody rubbish.
This post is really to express my thanks to my sister in law (and all the others) as their caring and help made things so much easier. I am honestly so limited in what I can handle nowadays. I know a certain someone was worried about me, because she said so a number of times. I think it was eye opening for her to see me all day and to see first hand how much I have changed and the limitstions placed upon me now. Even going for a walk along the beach, on the rocks looking for crabs & sea life, she kept telling me to careful in case I slipped over. Can you imagine having to haul my heavy ass back to where we were camped up for the day...Poor Shell!
And so there we go! Yet another Christmas done and dusted. Now counting the days to seeing the new year in. Gosh, I hope its a good one for us all. The start of another decade...2020. I remember watching space movies when I was a kid and the futuristic dates were always around the 21st century and now we are coming into the second decade of it!
It will be 19 years since Davids passing. He’s been on my mind a lot lately. Remembering before the kids, how much I loved him and how lovey dovey we used to be, and I’d tell him how happy I was and he always sounded so surprised by it. We certainly weren’t the perfect couple by any means but we had our good times along with the bad, like everyone. He’s on my mind so much, I can almost feel his arms around me at times. Nothing at all against hubby - simply memories flooding back along with feelings of sadness and what might have been...
Boxing Day 2019 - 10.19pm
Thursday 26 December 2019
Sunday 22 December 2019
Quick catch up before Christmas
Can you believe that Christmas is just a couple of sleeps away? Where does the time go! I’m glad to say I am looking forward to Christmas Day, finally. I haven’t really had a christmassy bone in my body, but I have got my present shopping done and wrapped and then my big girl and I went food shopping on Saturday for our picnic lunch / dinner and I am so excited at the thought of going to the beach for the day and getting some swims in! So long since I’ve been and it feels great to have that feeling of excitement and anticipation!
I recently had one of my sisters come to stay for a week, from Melbourne. It was great to spend time with her but it felt different. I think because I am conscious of how different I am now and how often I felt sore or tired, and had to lie down on the bed, or go for a sleep. I probably went out and did more in that week than I have for a long time, but would often pay the price for it the next day. Sometimes I had to talk myself into doing things but always enjoyed it once I was up and about. But I feel like our lives are so different now, I can’t really put my finger on it. I think it probably has to do with the distance apart we live, we don’t talk much, and when we do, we’re catching up on everyone. When I feel down, I don’t pick up the phone to talk directly to her. It saddens me...we are drifting in different directions. But that is inevitable. My sister has good health and can do fun things with her husband, family and friends. I feel like shit most of the time and don’t feel like doing anything and my friends all go out and do fun stuff with other friends. I don’t feel like a fun person anymore. My gawd, I think thats it! I don’t feel fun anymore. I am angry and resentful because of this stupid disease. Its kinda hard to be full of fun when you are bloody sore and half asleep most of the time...but, it was lovely to see my sister and to have that time with her.
I’m glad to say my recent oncology appointment and CT scan went well. No new movement on the cancer front, therefore my existing treatment continues to handle things nicely, or as nicely as it can. I was a bit nervous just before I got my results. Its been four years without any further spreading and I know one day the news will come where it has changed, however slightly it may be. And so this time I figured this could possibly be the time. Thank goodness I was worrying for nothing. The oncologist said they hope to get five years run out of exemestane before it starts to falter from its job and patients need to be changed to a new medication. So I have a year up my sleeve still, as January marks four years since being diagnosed metastatic (terminal).
I have read so many things about how oxy meds are very addictive and I could never understand how, or what form it takes. But I think I am beginning to find out for myself. (Oxycodene and oxynorm along with paracetamol are my regular pain meds). I rely heavily on the oxy’s. I usually take my first dose at 6.00am and then every four hours from there, with a maximum of four doses. But honestly, it isn’t enough. Sometimes I am taking the doses in 3.5 hours instead of waiting for four hours as the pain is starting to break through. And now my usual wake up time is about 4.00am-ish and along with this comes nausea and then the pain in my back kicks in. I don’t want to take my first dose of pain meds too early as it may stuff things up for the other end of the day, maybe I should try it. But even getting out of bed to sit up on the side of the bed to take the meds can be so difficult. And of course the side effect of these drugs is tiredness. It is so hard for me to wake up properly and keep my eyes open, to start the day. But the on-going pain is so, indescribeable. I hate it! I hate having this goddam disease! I am so fed up with myself and this bullshit life. It really is unfair. I try so hard to be grateful but honestly this is no picnic. I often want to take extra doses of oxy because when I take them, they usually kick in about 20 minutes later. I don’t want to wake up at 4/4.30am and wait until 6am to take pain killers. Sometimes throughout the day I feel the pain creeping back in and after a couple of hours I want to take more but know I need to wait a bit longer. I worry that those thoughts of taking more than I am prescribed will become stronger and my dependance on them become even tighter. And the fact that they are a controlled drug, it is such a rigmarole getting a damn script. They only prescribe so many per month. At least when I was on codeine, I was getting scripts for three months, now its every month that I am hassling either the oncologist or my GP.
I’ve previously mentioned that sometimes I wonder if I am using the cancer as an excuse. Do I talk myself into the way I feel? I happened to mention this to my mate who came to my oncology appointment with me last week and she told me off. She said that don’t I dare minimise what I am going through, that what I feel is very real and of course I know it is. The pain and the tiredness are definitely not a figment of my imagination. But I was so grateful for her reaction. When I have said this to other people, more times than not they agree with me. Occasionally someone will say I am talking rubbish, but mostly people half pie agree with me. I don’t know if its because they don’t want to appear to be disagreeing with me or is it that my friend understands a lot more due to her previous nursing experience and the fact that she has had cancer and while currently has been given the all clear (long may it stay that way!) still feels some of the effects such as the tiredness / fatigue. Fatigue is a much better word to use. It expresses much more than the word “tiredness”. Fatigue is a “thing”. A very real thing. I’ve been so tired and sore of late, you can’t help but get upset about it. But perhaps the key is that I should try to push myself a wee bit more, if theres enough in the tank I mean. My unmotivatedness is very real and I know sometimes I do have to push myself to do things. And once I do them, I feel much better for it. I guess it is a case of see how you are each day and what you can handle and don’t pressure yourself to do more than I can.
But at least I have something to look forward to with going to the beach for the day very soon - can’t wait!!!!! So blimmin excited!!!!!!
Hope you all have a safe and Merry Christmas, and enjoy the day with loved ones
I recently had one of my sisters come to stay for a week, from Melbourne. It was great to spend time with her but it felt different. I think because I am conscious of how different I am now and how often I felt sore or tired, and had to lie down on the bed, or go for a sleep. I probably went out and did more in that week than I have for a long time, but would often pay the price for it the next day. Sometimes I had to talk myself into doing things but always enjoyed it once I was up and about. But I feel like our lives are so different now, I can’t really put my finger on it. I think it probably has to do with the distance apart we live, we don’t talk much, and when we do, we’re catching up on everyone. When I feel down, I don’t pick up the phone to talk directly to her. It saddens me...we are drifting in different directions. But that is inevitable. My sister has good health and can do fun things with her husband, family and friends. I feel like shit most of the time and don’t feel like doing anything and my friends all go out and do fun stuff with other friends. I don’t feel like a fun person anymore. My gawd, I think thats it! I don’t feel fun anymore. I am angry and resentful because of this stupid disease. Its kinda hard to be full of fun when you are bloody sore and half asleep most of the time...but, it was lovely to see my sister and to have that time with her.
I’m glad to say my recent oncology appointment and CT scan went well. No new movement on the cancer front, therefore my existing treatment continues to handle things nicely, or as nicely as it can. I was a bit nervous just before I got my results. Its been four years without any further spreading and I know one day the news will come where it has changed, however slightly it may be. And so this time I figured this could possibly be the time. Thank goodness I was worrying for nothing. The oncologist said they hope to get five years run out of exemestane before it starts to falter from its job and patients need to be changed to a new medication. So I have a year up my sleeve still, as January marks four years since being diagnosed metastatic (terminal).
I have read so many things about how oxy meds are very addictive and I could never understand how, or what form it takes. But I think I am beginning to find out for myself. (Oxycodene and oxynorm along with paracetamol are my regular pain meds). I rely heavily on the oxy’s. I usually take my first dose at 6.00am and then every four hours from there, with a maximum of four doses. But honestly, it isn’t enough. Sometimes I am taking the doses in 3.5 hours instead of waiting for four hours as the pain is starting to break through. And now my usual wake up time is about 4.00am-ish and along with this comes nausea and then the pain in my back kicks in. I don’t want to take my first dose of pain meds too early as it may stuff things up for the other end of the day, maybe I should try it. But even getting out of bed to sit up on the side of the bed to take the meds can be so difficult. And of course the side effect of these drugs is tiredness. It is so hard for me to wake up properly and keep my eyes open, to start the day. But the on-going pain is so, indescribeable. I hate it! I hate having this goddam disease! I am so fed up with myself and this bullshit life. It really is unfair. I try so hard to be grateful but honestly this is no picnic. I often want to take extra doses of oxy because when I take them, they usually kick in about 20 minutes later. I don’t want to wake up at 4/4.30am and wait until 6am to take pain killers. Sometimes throughout the day I feel the pain creeping back in and after a couple of hours I want to take more but know I need to wait a bit longer. I worry that those thoughts of taking more than I am prescribed will become stronger and my dependance on them become even tighter. And the fact that they are a controlled drug, it is such a rigmarole getting a damn script. They only prescribe so many per month. At least when I was on codeine, I was getting scripts for three months, now its every month that I am hassling either the oncologist or my GP.
I’ve previously mentioned that sometimes I wonder if I am using the cancer as an excuse. Do I talk myself into the way I feel? I happened to mention this to my mate who came to my oncology appointment with me last week and she told me off. She said that don’t I dare minimise what I am going through, that what I feel is very real and of course I know it is. The pain and the tiredness are definitely not a figment of my imagination. But I was so grateful for her reaction. When I have said this to other people, more times than not they agree with me. Occasionally someone will say I am talking rubbish, but mostly people half pie agree with me. I don’t know if its because they don’t want to appear to be disagreeing with me or is it that my friend understands a lot more due to her previous nursing experience and the fact that she has had cancer and while currently has been given the all clear (long may it stay that way!) still feels some of the effects such as the tiredness / fatigue. Fatigue is a much better word to use. It expresses much more than the word “tiredness”. Fatigue is a “thing”. A very real thing. I’ve been so tired and sore of late, you can’t help but get upset about it. But perhaps the key is that I should try to push myself a wee bit more, if theres enough in the tank I mean. My unmotivatedness is very real and I know sometimes I do have to push myself to do things. And once I do them, I feel much better for it. I guess it is a case of see how you are each day and what you can handle and don’t pressure yourself to do more than I can.
But at least I have something to look forward to with going to the beach for the day very soon - can’t wait!!!!! So blimmin excited!!!!!!
Hope you all have a safe and Merry Christmas, and enjoy the day with loved ones
Sunday 22nd December 2019 - 11.33pm
Sunday 1 December 2019
Officially summer!
The start of another summer is upon us, having started today. I’ve always been a summer person, right from a kid - loving the beach, going swimming whether it be at the pools or the ocean, frying myself with baby oil. Sunburn on top of sunburn! Crazy! I haven’t made the most of summer the last few years and I desperately want to change that this year. I am itching to go for a swim. Seeing videos on facebook of kids swimming, is tortuous. My girls and I are planning on going to the beach for Christmas Day again this year like we did two years ago. Hubby will go down to his mums to spend with her and his brothers. I did wonder whether I should go too but honestly my days of feeling obliged to do anything is pretty much over. I do things for myself now. While I can still drive, I will get myself there. Not too much goes on down at mother in laws. As she is not feeling well these days she stays inside watching TV and good on her I reckon. She also needs to do what is right for her. And the guys sit outside getting plastered, not really my idea of Christmas or fun. Hard to believe it‘s only a few weeks away! Where has this year gone? To be honest, it has felt quite a slow year but as you look back at time gone by, you have to wonder where did it go!
I have my next oncology appointment on Monday 16th December, followed by treatment. Its a mid morning appointment so am taking the whole day off work. With my late starts and early finishes, its not worth me going in before and after. Those days are gone too! I have a CT scan on Tuesday 10th December, perfect timing. Then I will get the results at my oncology appointment the following week. I try not to worry too much, pointless panicking until there is something to panic about. I mean you can’t help but wonder has the cancer moved? has it stayed put for another wee while? The day will one day arrive when I get the news that the cancer has shifted, and hopefully it will be a minute shift. Its when it transitions from my bones to my organs which worries me. I remember when I was told at one of my early on appointments that when it goes to your organs, it is a whole different story from it being in your bones and suddenly the outlook isn’t quite so rosy. Even as I think about it while I am typing this, I can feel the blood rush to my face and my heart starts to beat quicker and a wee lump forms in my throat. Its scary, it really is. And that is why I try not to think about it while it is un-necessary to. So fingers, eyes, arms and legs all crossed for another good outcome.
My sister arrives from Australia Tuesday night. It’ll be early Wednesday morning before she arrives here. I can’t wait to see her!!!! Every time I think about it, I want to squeal out loud like a kid, I can’t wait! She’s here for a week, I told her to make sure she goes out to see her mates as I am so boring and don’t do much these days.
I am taking the days off work, and so including the weekends and days I don’t work, I will have a break of 13 days off. That’ll be interesting. I wonder if I’ll be ripping my hair out with restlessness or will it be the other way, and I’ll be filled with dread at the thought of going back!
Its funny at work now. I am like a little minion. For years I was in charge of admin, people always coming to me when they needed something and I was in charge of the whole chicken caboodle. Now I’m not. People constantly by-pass me and go to my work buddy. I do the little jobs and leave the rest to her. It is bloody great! Such a relief off my shoulders and the timing was perfect! There is no way I could handle all that stuff now. I’m not sure if I said in a previous post, but I had said to the GM that I think he should just lay me off but he refuses to. Which is lovely of course but I do still get the guilts when I have to leave early or am away sick. Daft eh! Got a terminal disease and still I feel guilty. My lovely work partner is always nicely telling me off for it! She’s too blimmin cute and I am so grateful for her. Thank you my lovely, you know who you are xx
And so another weekend is over and a very quiet one its been too. I used my Sweet Louise vouchers and went for an oncology massage. I came out feeling on top of the world. As usual she found a few tight knots and was able to massage them out, so I’ve been a bit tender in a couple of spots but otherwise, its great. So anyhow, two more days at work before my big break away. I don’t really need to take too many leave days now since starting to drop my days at work. But its always handy, you never know when you may need them.
Sunday 1st December 2019 - 10.28pm
I have my next oncology appointment on Monday 16th December, followed by treatment. Its a mid morning appointment so am taking the whole day off work. With my late starts and early finishes, its not worth me going in before and after. Those days are gone too! I have a CT scan on Tuesday 10th December, perfect timing. Then I will get the results at my oncology appointment the following week. I try not to worry too much, pointless panicking until there is something to panic about. I mean you can’t help but wonder has the cancer moved? has it stayed put for another wee while? The day will one day arrive when I get the news that the cancer has shifted, and hopefully it will be a minute shift. Its when it transitions from my bones to my organs which worries me. I remember when I was told at one of my early on appointments that when it goes to your organs, it is a whole different story from it being in your bones and suddenly the outlook isn’t quite so rosy. Even as I think about it while I am typing this, I can feel the blood rush to my face and my heart starts to beat quicker and a wee lump forms in my throat. Its scary, it really is. And that is why I try not to think about it while it is un-necessary to. So fingers, eyes, arms and legs all crossed for another good outcome.
My sister arrives from Australia Tuesday night. It’ll be early Wednesday morning before she arrives here. I can’t wait to see her!!!! Every time I think about it, I want to squeal out loud like a kid, I can’t wait! She’s here for a week, I told her to make sure she goes out to see her mates as I am so boring and don’t do much these days.
I am taking the days off work, and so including the weekends and days I don’t work, I will have a break of 13 days off. That’ll be interesting. I wonder if I’ll be ripping my hair out with restlessness or will it be the other way, and I’ll be filled with dread at the thought of going back!
Its funny at work now. I am like a little minion. For years I was in charge of admin, people always coming to me when they needed something and I was in charge of the whole chicken caboodle. Now I’m not. People constantly by-pass me and go to my work buddy. I do the little jobs and leave the rest to her. It is bloody great! Such a relief off my shoulders and the timing was perfect! There is no way I could handle all that stuff now. I’m not sure if I said in a previous post, but I had said to the GM that I think he should just lay me off but he refuses to. Which is lovely of course but I do still get the guilts when I have to leave early or am away sick. Daft eh! Got a terminal disease and still I feel guilty. My lovely work partner is always nicely telling me off for it! She’s too blimmin cute and I am so grateful for her. Thank you my lovely, you know who you are xx
And so another weekend is over and a very quiet one its been too. I used my Sweet Louise vouchers and went for an oncology massage. I came out feeling on top of the world. As usual she found a few tight knots and was able to massage them out, so I’ve been a bit tender in a couple of spots but otherwise, its great. So anyhow, two more days at work before my big break away. I don’t really need to take too many leave days now since starting to drop my days at work. But its always handy, you never know when you may need them.
Sunday 1st December 2019 - 10.28pm
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