I finally came to the realisation that working fulltime is just too much for me now. After crashing and burning on Tuesday, when I went back to work on Wednesday, I talked with my supervisor. We hashed shit out which was great - he has been great actually! So I now work Mon to Thurs so had this last Fri off work and my god, I cannot believe how much of a diffference it feels to have three days off, but also knowing it can be ongoing if I wish it to be. I should have said I am trialling it for a wee while as well as tweaking my morn starts. Depending on how I feel - if I get to work early like I normally do, I finish 8 hours later...if I need to lie in a bit later, I will do and have a slightly later start. Hopefully these things will make a massive difference to how I get thru the week.
I have lowered the dose of oxynorm I am taking and given up the oxycodene as it was a terrible combination. I still take paracetamol 4 hourly and unfortunately I am getting break thru pain at various times, but after the fog I have been living in over the last month, I feel so much better and am quite happy to stay this way for a wee while. We’ll see how it goes. Maybe after the new year, I’ll re-look at it with my GP but for now I need a break and am enjoying being awake.
I am also thinking my upped happy pills may be finally kicking in...or its a combination of everything. I even went out on Fri and started my Christmas shopping. I’m buying bugger all this year but I could feel some of my Christmas mojo creeping back in - I’ve always loved Christmas, from when I had my beautiful babies.
Thank goodness I feel a bit of normality again...its bloody awful feeling so crap...
Sunday 25th November 2018 - 4.08pm
Sunday 25 November 2018
Tuesday 20 November 2018
20-11-18
I had the all clear from my CT scan weeks ago so why aren’t I happy and celebrating the great news and making the most of life?
Struggling terribly at the moment...in many ways. Still trying to suss pain meds out that don’t zonk me out for most of the time - not achieving much in the way of results so far. Drove home from up north on Sunday, feeling dangerously tired. Not realising until we were on the road. Scary shit...stopped a few times but only helped for a few mins or so. Managed to get home in one piece luckily but it was bloody terrifying.
A family member gave me a pep talk the other day when I mentioned I was feeling quite low...so easy for everyone else to give advice when your not wearing those shoes.
Doc has upped my happy pills but am still having various issues. No enthusiasm to do anything, lucky if I cook dinner, don’t want to go out, feel shut off from everyone, Christmas - ugh, the thought of Christmas shopping makes me want to run and hide.
Work - I’m probably away more than I’m there at the moment which definitely is not me. I am almost ready to quit but unable to afford to. Decisions need to be made...
Even too hard keeping up with this for now.
Crocheting keeping me going...although had a couple of days where I just couldn’t face it. Then you know something is definitely not right. Crochet mojo back...thats about it. Everything else gone.
Tuesday 20th November 2018 - 1.30pm
Struggling terribly at the moment...in many ways. Still trying to suss pain meds out that don’t zonk me out for most of the time - not achieving much in the way of results so far. Drove home from up north on Sunday, feeling dangerously tired. Not realising until we were on the road. Scary shit...stopped a few times but only helped for a few mins or so. Managed to get home in one piece luckily but it was bloody terrifying.
A family member gave me a pep talk the other day when I mentioned I was feeling quite low...so easy for everyone else to give advice when your not wearing those shoes.
Doc has upped my happy pills but am still having various issues. No enthusiasm to do anything, lucky if I cook dinner, don’t want to go out, feel shut off from everyone, Christmas - ugh, the thought of Christmas shopping makes me want to run and hide.
Work - I’m probably away more than I’m there at the moment which definitely is not me. I am almost ready to quit but unable to afford to. Decisions need to be made...
Even too hard keeping up with this for now.
Crocheting keeping me going...although had a couple of days where I just couldn’t face it. Then you know something is definitely not right. Crochet mojo back...thats about it. Everything else gone.
Tuesday 20th November 2018 - 1.30pm
Saturday 3 November 2018
Its been a while
its some ungodly hour of the morning...Sat morning - I have woken up to go bathroom but appear to be feeling reasonably wide awake. Something I haven’t been able to say too much this week. I went for my oncology appointment on Monday and since we didn’t have CT scan results to discuss (scan appointment is on Sunday morning) we were able to discuss changing of pain medication. My pain has gone up again - its up and down like a bloody yo-yo, appears to be no rhyme or reason why and so I had been taking codeine and quite a bit of ot. The down side was that it was making me tired. So the oncologist decded to put me on a slow releasing med called ‘M Eslon’ topped up by ‘sevredol’ if and when required while still taking paracetamol four hourly. I hate it! I can hardly keep my eyes open. At work I am like a zombie fighting to keep my eyes open. Yesterday, my brain was so foggy, I made a number of errors. Not things that needed fixing but being forgetful and instead of doing things together, ended up having to do them separately. Its horrendous driving home, I am pretty much a danger on the roads and I am on the lowest dose of both these medications! I appear to be suffering side effects of itchiness from the sevedol as well which is quietly driving me crazy. I haven’t wanted to quit it without giving it a good go, and will be talking to the oncologist Monday or Tuesday when she rings me to discuss results of my CT scan. Think I might ask to go back to codeine. The other down side of these two drugs is that because they are controlled drugs, you can only be given a months script at a time opposed to getting three months worth of codeine per time. When I get home after work I am so tired, I don’t have the energy to cook dinner and basically go straight to bed and crash out. My big girl had to put me to bed the other night. I had the IPad on my chest, glasses still on, bedroom light on and fast asleep...I don’t like feeling like this, I feel like I am ‘living’ in a fog - its more of an existance and I honestly don’t feel like I can carry on this way. Its not a life. More than once, I have asked myself what is the point...I don’t mean I want to die, god no...but I hate the way I am feeling at the moment. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to come off the anti-depressants. I think the reality of living life with terminal cancer has hit and with it comes the swings and round abouts of it. If this is how I feel taking anti-depressants, how would I be feeling without them?
I wouldn’t say I feel depressed or low even...I simply feel alone, like no one gives me a thought or gives a fuck. It seems like everyone I know, has somebody. Somebody close to hang out with and do stuff with and that I’m not that person for anyone. Admittedly I just don’t have it in me to make contact with anyone so do I have the right to feel the way I do? I am just so damn tired and I don’t feel like going out anywhere. But it feels like everyone else is already out with others and I am forgotten. I am that token person that alive, I’m forgotten about but when I kick the bucket, people will cry and say how mich they loved me and that they’ll probably miss me. Bullshit...
Thank goodness for my crocheting...if I didn’t have that, I’d probably be going mental by now but it keeps me sane. The feeling that people want something that I make, is amazing. I love it! I love thinking up colour combinations. My brain thinks a lot quicker than my hands crochet! I so wish I could either crochet quicker or that I had more time to put into it. Crocheting is my friend...it keeps the loneliness away. I am happy to spend:my weekends stayimg home making blankets.
So I guess it is safe to say, cancer is kicking me in the butt - I’m really disliking the effect it has on my ‘life’. I use that word loosely - maybe I should say existance. It has halved me. I’m definitely not the same person I used to be.
On that note, my eyes are starting to get heavy...comsiderably heavy. Its just come across me which is what happens when I’m at work. Check out my crocheting page on facebook when you have a few spare moments - TaniaL Homemade Crochets.
Take cate and have a good weekend.
Saturday 3rd November - 4.49am
I wouldn’t say I feel depressed or low even...I simply feel alone, like no one gives me a thought or gives a fuck. It seems like everyone I know, has somebody. Somebody close to hang out with and do stuff with and that I’m not that person for anyone. Admittedly I just don’t have it in me to make contact with anyone so do I have the right to feel the way I do? I am just so damn tired and I don’t feel like going out anywhere. But it feels like everyone else is already out with others and I am forgotten. I am that token person that alive, I’m forgotten about but when I kick the bucket, people will cry and say how mich they loved me and that they’ll probably miss me. Bullshit...
Thank goodness for my crocheting...if I didn’t have that, I’d probably be going mental by now but it keeps me sane. The feeling that people want something that I make, is amazing. I love it! I love thinking up colour combinations. My brain thinks a lot quicker than my hands crochet! I so wish I could either crochet quicker or that I had more time to put into it. Crocheting is my friend...it keeps the loneliness away. I am happy to spend:my weekends stayimg home making blankets.
So I guess it is safe to say, cancer is kicking me in the butt - I’m really disliking the effect it has on my ‘life’. I use that word loosely - maybe I should say existance. It has halved me. I’m definitely not the same person I used to be.
On that note, my eyes are starting to get heavy...comsiderably heavy. Its just come across me which is what happens when I’m at work. Check out my crocheting page on facebook when you have a few spare moments - TaniaL Homemade Crochets.
Take cate and have a good weekend.
Saturday 3rd November - 4.49am
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