Last Sunday night, the rain was pelting down and all I could think of was those who are homeless. While I was wrapped up warm, with the fire roaring, there were those poor souls out on the streets, hiding under bridges and door ways and it reminded me just how lucky I am. It doesn’t magically fix everything but in that moment, it reminded me of how much I have. And how silly to hold a grudge against my husband for a daft fight we had - what if one of us was to get hit by a car tomorrow, imagine the guilt or the regret we would feel. None of us live life perfectly - we all have our own way of handling things. Whose to say which is the right way and which is the wrong way...its simply a case of it being ‘our way’ at the time.
None of this takes away the sadness I feel having cancer and the effect it has had on me...it doesn’t stop the feelings of loneliness I experience. It doesn’t magically make me believe I am a fun person to be around or that I suddenly am able to cope with other peoples issues...But perhaps it was enough to start lifting that fog a wee bit. That coupled with a couple of friends making contact with me, expressing their concern after reading my previous post and taking the time to stop and talk to me and gently pass on their advice. And so after listening to what they had to say, I took myself off to see my GP yesterday to sort out pain meds to try and get on top of that a bit more, as well as get some anti-depressants aka happy pills. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to get to the chemist after work to get the script filled out due to my car breaking down and having to wait nearly two hours for a towie...so will start them both tomorrow morning. (can’t possibly have everything going smoothly, cos when we got home finally at 7.10pm, I was using the microwave and it blew up!)
Its now Sunday early morning. I fell asleep last night catching up here with glasses, ipad and bedroom light, all still on. I woke up to my big girl tucking her mummy in...cute.
Saturday morning I took my first happy pill...and started my new reigime of pain meds. Its not too much of a change - I am now trying 1 x 15mg codeine with 2 x paracetamol every 4 hours. I set my alarm 4 hourly today after my first ones, to make sure I take them regularly. This is often half my battle - I forget to take them and it isn’t until I get sore again that I remember and so its a matter of starting over. The GP and I discussed other options but I was happy to give this a try first. If it doesn’t work, I’ll go back but today I have felt good. No aches whatsoever and taking them regularly. My concern is always that I will be drowsy while both at work and whilst drivng, especially in peak hour traffic. I’ll see how it goes. When I say I am in a lot of pain, I don’t mean I am in excrutiating pain - its more of an ache than a pain. Sometimes they are worse than others, but they have always been pretty much constant especially after sitting for any length of time. But it feels good to know I have been to see someone about sorting these things out and it’s thanks to these ladies for being concerned and knowing I needed to be pro-active in asking for help...so thank you.
I have been contacted a number of times by those who regularly read this, when I have posted something that resonates in some way whether the contact is directly to me, or by leaving a comment here on the blog. Either which way, I just want to say thank you. I don’t post these things to get attention.
Its not easy allowing others to see your vulnerability. First & foremost, I write this blog for me. I need to be able to express my emotions and frustrations - its a release for me. Sometimes, I think twice whether to post something or not because I worry it may be too dark or depressing and people will get sick of reading it. But it would be a pity if I allowed that fear to stop me posting what I feel. People have the choice whether to read this or not - I don’t have a choice about having cancer and I have to be able to deal with it in the way I know how and that is right for me. Do I feel self conscious after I’ve written something deeply personal? Most definitely! For me being able to say that I felt a little depressed - that was huge for me but I needed to acknowledge it ‘out loud’ and not just keep it in my head.
Like anything in life, there is always the good and the bad. My feelings in this journey are no different. I hope these happy pills help my anxiety with dealing with situations outside of my comfort zone and the loneliness I have been feeling is resolved. I definitely look forward to feeling happier.
Thank you for listening and for all concern shown.
‘Wig Wednesday’ - raising funds for child cancer
Sunday 1st July 2018 - 2.20am
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