A week in on new meds

What a difference a week can make. I started my new regime of slightly altered pain killers along with my ‘happy’ pills last weekend and what a complete change around. I set my phone alarm four hourly to ensure I take my pain killers. I even take spares with me along with a water bottle in case I am out and about when the next alarm goes off! I know its only been a week but if I can continue doing this, it will be so much better for me. The aches have pretty much subsided, apart from the mornings when I wake up but even then they’re slight compared to how they used to be. It makes such a difference. I wonder what took me so long to do something about it, but I just presumed it was something I had to deal with and wasn’t ready to try the big guns just yet. My mood is feeling so much better - I don’t know if the happy pills have kicked in or if its pyschological knowing I am taking them but either way, I don’t care. I’m not saying everything is back to normal but it is definitely much, much better.

On a slightly sourer note (sorry, can’t be completely happy happy), I am home on my own (wonderful). Girls are both working and hubby is at darts and so I have been using my quiet time to do the bloody housework. It appears I am the only person in this house who doesn’t like a dirty, bathroom or toilet and who can’t stand crap all over the carpet. I don’t know how many times I have expressed to my household how I am unable to do these things any more. Even if the pain is under control, I actually have cancer in my spine and so that nasty cancer stuff is looking for an ‘in’ to spread its nasty tentacles. I’m not saying by crounching down over the vacuum or shower, its going to make the cancer spread but surely it will have an effect on the quality of life or use I have of it (my spine my mean). Hence why I have the monthly zometa infusion - to strengthen my bones - to give them a much better chance of not fracturing or splintering. It will happen one day but we want to put that off as long as possible. Its just really disappointing that my family don’t do what they can to help, regularly. I’m not saying they don’t love me because of course I know they do. They just don’t think...they are so wrapped up in their own lives, doing their own thing. Mum looks ok, she’ll be fine. Even when this blasted cancer truly affects my movement, they’ll still be able to just get on and do stuff. While I’ll be trapped, feeling more useless than I do now. They simply don’t think...tell them you say...how many times do I have to tell them? I don’t think I ask a lot of them...more often than not I have been there for them. This is my time of need. I need them to pitch in and help now. I won’t need them when I’m dead. I won’t care how dirty the house is once I’m dead. They’ll cry and carry on when I’m gone but I need them now - while I’m alive. Don’t resent me because I need your help, embrace it and be thankful you can do something for me while I’m still alive. Your lives will go on, mine will be over and done with, no second chances I’m afraid. Remember those days when as well as working full time, I would come home and cook dinner, do the food shopping and all the housework and in between all that, run them around here and there. A little bit of giving back would be appreciated but I refuse to ask again. And to be honest my back is bloody sore now after all that bending over shower, toilet, vacuum...had to take a double dose of codeine.

At least I know its done now...I’ll settle down for a couple of hours before putting dinner on and enjoy the weekend. I’ve put the fire on already - my cousins have been giving us firewood which I am so grateful for. I’d been thinking about buying some which could cost between $300 / $400 depending on the mix you get and cubic meterage. I’ll just sit in the warmth and continue on with my crocheting...another sleep in tomorrow, bliss...

Saturday 7th July 2018 - 3.13pm