It has been a long 8 months since my diagnosis, so many hospital visits, and I was going to try and document it all here, but feel it will take me months to 'catch up'. Have I been giving too much information? But I guess at the end of the day, this is like an online diary for me and it will be something my daughters can read (if they wish to), so they know exactly what has happened, even though they have had to journey their way through it with me.
To date, I have lost one of my implants to an infection, so I am now lopsided, and when I wish to appear 'normal' with two boobs, I wear my prosthesis. Most times in the weekends, I don't, and I don't really care if people notice. I don't do it to gain attention, I just don't like wearing it all the time.
The other major thing which has happened, which I touched on previously, is that I now have metastatic breast cancer. It has spread to my bones. It was originally found of my thoracic spine, and after having a bone scan done, have found it is also in my ribs, my right upper thigh and in my lower back.
I have been told that people with cancer in their bones can live for years. I am too scared to ask how many...but I have heard people say they know of people who are still alive after ten or so years with it. So I can only hope I will be one of those.
I hate having cancer...it terrifies me. I hate what it has done to me, and how it has changed me. I am scared of everything. Everytime I get a twinge I worry if the cancer is getting worse or if it has spread elsewhere. Everytime my right arm aches (where I had 33 lymph nodes taken from that armpit) I worry if I am getting lymphodema...
In the initial stages of this journey, I tried to be upbeat about things and not worry. I carried a positive attitude because in all honesty, I truly believed once I had the mastectomies done, that would be the end of it. I could go back to normal. There are so many things I had not expected...
Sunday 31 July 2016
This is me...
This is me...
So much has happened over the last 8 months, and I felt like a bit of a 'pick me up', so had a bit of a haircut yesterday and had a couple of bright highlights in my hair to zoosh me up. Now, if only I can get some of that weight off...
Mastectomy or not?
The decision to have a bilateral mastectomy was a relatively easy one. I was told by the breast screening people I would have to definitely have my right breast removed due to the size of the lump and that I could have a partial mastectomy on the left side. Enough to remove the lump and surrounding tissue.
That immediately brought up visions of having a very misshaped boob and I could not stand the thougt of that. So I decided if one had to go, then the other had to as well. In all honesty I wasn't too sad at having to lose them. I was reasonably large in that department and I often referred to them as being 'saggy bits of fat' hanging off my chest. Having said that, they had fed and nourished my two babies and that was probably the only emotional attachment I had to them.
I also decided I wanted to have reconstructive surgery immediately after the mastectomy. This meant it would all be over and done with and after a four or so week recovery period, I would return to work with my new, smaller, pert breasts and get on with it. How daft was I...Nothing turned out how I had perceived it in my mind.
The decision was basically made for me that I had to have implants. I had wanted to use the fat from my tummy as I had plenty of it...but my BMI was just slightly too high and the plastic surgeon felt it was risky for a number of reasons. It was a much longer surgery (up to 12 hours), a much longer recovery period, two wound sites to heal (gulp) and so on. I was gutted! Ultimately I got to make the final decision, and ultimately I wanted to wake from the surgery to be with my husband and daughters for years to come. But I had really got my hopes up of having a tummy tuck as well as boob job and all for free!!!! I always joked that a bit of liposuction and other tucks here and there could surely be done at the same time! I didn't want implants as to me, they were for vain women...women who volunteered to have breast reconstruction, so they had bigger and better boobs. A vanity thing...the fact that millions of women have probably had implants due to breast cancer did not occur to me - why would it? Because I wanted to go smaller, I did not have to have an expander in to stretch the muscles. This helped the decision greatly. At this point I need to say, I have been at my place of work for many years, they have always been wonderful to me and this was set to continue. Kept my boss in the loop of appointments, what was going to happen but I wanted it all done in the least amount of time and fuss so it would not interfere with my work. Having to have left the office to go to hospital regularly to have an expander pumped up (no idea how they do it) was not conjusive to my plan, so not having to do that was great!
I had been informed initially that from the date of being diagnosed, the NZ public health system allowed up to a window of six weeks where surgery would be done for breast cancer. That period of time would not be enough to makr any difference. I was diagnosed on 21 October 2015 and my surgery was done on 19 November 2015. Everyone I had dealt with from Breast Screen Aotearoa, at the very beginning to surgeons, hospital staff were wonderful and very supportive and I will be forever grateful.
That immediately brought up visions of having a very misshaped boob and I could not stand the thougt of that. So I decided if one had to go, then the other had to as well. In all honesty I wasn't too sad at having to lose them. I was reasonably large in that department and I often referred to them as being 'saggy bits of fat' hanging off my chest. Having said that, they had fed and nourished my two babies and that was probably the only emotional attachment I had to them.
I also decided I wanted to have reconstructive surgery immediately after the mastectomy. This meant it would all be over and done with and after a four or so week recovery period, I would return to work with my new, smaller, pert breasts and get on with it. How daft was I...Nothing turned out how I had perceived it in my mind.
The decision was basically made for me that I had to have implants. I had wanted to use the fat from my tummy as I had plenty of it...but my BMI was just slightly too high and the plastic surgeon felt it was risky for a number of reasons. It was a much longer surgery (up to 12 hours), a much longer recovery period, two wound sites to heal (gulp) and so on. I was gutted! Ultimately I got to make the final decision, and ultimately I wanted to wake from the surgery to be with my husband and daughters for years to come. But I had really got my hopes up of having a tummy tuck as well as boob job and all for free!!!! I always joked that a bit of liposuction and other tucks here and there could surely be done at the same time! I didn't want implants as to me, they were for vain women...women who volunteered to have breast reconstruction, so they had bigger and better boobs. A vanity thing...the fact that millions of women have probably had implants due to breast cancer did not occur to me - why would it? Because I wanted to go smaller, I did not have to have an expander in to stretch the muscles. This helped the decision greatly. At this point I need to say, I have been at my place of work for many years, they have always been wonderful to me and this was set to continue. Kept my boss in the loop of appointments, what was going to happen but I wanted it all done in the least amount of time and fuss so it would not interfere with my work. Having to have left the office to go to hospital regularly to have an expander pumped up (no idea how they do it) was not conjusive to my plan, so not having to do that was great!
I had been informed initially that from the date of being diagnosed, the NZ public health system allowed up to a window of six weeks where surgery would be done for breast cancer. That period of time would not be enough to makr any difference. I was diagnosed on 21 October 2015 and my surgery was done on 19 November 2015. Everyone I had dealt with from Breast Screen Aotearoa, at the very beginning to surgeons, hospital staff were wonderful and very supportive and I will be forever grateful.
And so it begins...
I have to admit I am a tad nervous about doing this. I have butterflies in my tummy as I type but it is something I want and need to do, and I hope if anyone reads this, you will get something out of it. Whether that be to understand my journey so far (if your a friend or family member) or if you have been unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with this awful disease called breast cancer.
My name is Tania, I have 51 years old, a wife and a mother to two beautiful daughters who are the absolute light of my life.
My own personal journey with breast cancer began in October 2015...yes, just last year but it feels like so much has happened within this short space of time. After going to have a mammogram done, I was called back for further tests and subsequently they discovered I had grade 2 breast cancer in both breasts - a 40mm lump in the right and a 14mm in the left breast. To hear those words being uttered "I'm sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer". I remember promptly bursting into tears, and I don't cry lightly, especially in front of other people. I looked at my husband and he looked dumbfounded, and my beautiful youngest daughter had tears streaming down her face. And of course if I had to get breast cancer, I had to get it in both boobs!! Unbloody believable....it was unreal, this couldn't be happening to me. Even while I had to wait however long it was between the tests and getting the results, I had pretty much convinced myself everything would be ok. How many women get called back for further tests and get the all clear??? Surely I would be one of them...surely not as it turned out. The next words I heard was "your going to be a breast cancer survivor" and so I hung onto those words with both hands for days, for weeks while having to go around telling those closest to me this devastating news. Apparently if I was to get breast cancer, grade 1 or 2 are the best kind to get. They are treatable - to be unluckily enough to be diagnosed with grades 3 or 4, it would be a whole different story.
As it turns out, it is a whole different story.
I have since been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. I think this is also referred to as stage 4 breast cancer. My oncologist (imagine having your own oncologist...we tend to refer to things like 'my car', 'my family', 'my dinner', not 'my oncologist) anyhow, my oncologist told me from the getgo I needed to learn the correct terminology, and so 'metastatic breast cancer' it is. How I hate it...
I'm going to leave it there for now...I am really tired, and it is quite tiring rehashing all this again.
I hope to have a bit of a fiddle around so I can figure how to put up photo's etc to make it a bit more interesting even if it is just me looking at it.
Anyhow night night, and stay well.
My name is Tania, I have 51 years old, a wife and a mother to two beautiful daughters who are the absolute light of my life.
My own personal journey with breast cancer began in October 2015...yes, just last year but it feels like so much has happened within this short space of time. After going to have a mammogram done, I was called back for further tests and subsequently they discovered I had grade 2 breast cancer in both breasts - a 40mm lump in the right and a 14mm in the left breast. To hear those words being uttered "I'm sorry to tell you, you have breast cancer". I remember promptly bursting into tears, and I don't cry lightly, especially in front of other people. I looked at my husband and he looked dumbfounded, and my beautiful youngest daughter had tears streaming down her face. And of course if I had to get breast cancer, I had to get it in both boobs!! Unbloody believable....it was unreal, this couldn't be happening to me. Even while I had to wait however long it was between the tests and getting the results, I had pretty much convinced myself everything would be ok. How many women get called back for further tests and get the all clear??? Surely I would be one of them...surely not as it turned out. The next words I heard was "your going to be a breast cancer survivor" and so I hung onto those words with both hands for days, for weeks while having to go around telling those closest to me this devastating news. Apparently if I was to get breast cancer, grade 1 or 2 are the best kind to get. They are treatable - to be unluckily enough to be diagnosed with grades 3 or 4, it would be a whole different story.
As it turns out, it is a whole different story.
I have since been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. I think this is also referred to as stage 4 breast cancer. My oncologist (imagine having your own oncologist...we tend to refer to things like 'my car', 'my family', 'my dinner', not 'my oncologist) anyhow, my oncologist told me from the getgo I needed to learn the correct terminology, and so 'metastatic breast cancer' it is. How I hate it...
I'm going to leave it there for now...I am really tired, and it is quite tiring rehashing all this again.
I hope to have a bit of a fiddle around so I can figure how to put up photo's etc to make it a bit more interesting even if it is just me looking at it.
Anyhow night night, and stay well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)