A letter to my beautiful daughters

To my beautiful girls,

How can I express the love I have for you both. I don't think there are enough words in the dictionary to describe it. I have often said I was put on this earth to give birth to my beautiful girls. I lost my first two babies and as hard and heart breaking as it was at those times, it allowed me the privilege of giving birth to you and being 'your' mum.

Many things I have done wrong and gotten wrong, but my greatest achievements were having you two. My beautiful girls...beautiful on the outside but more importantly, beautiful on the inside.

Sitting down with you tonight to discuss 'stuff' was not a conversation I particularly wanted to have but I felt strongly enough that you deserved the respect of hearing from me and being given the chance to have your say. And I know it was hard on you emotionally but I want you to know you will be okay when I am gone. This is so unfair on you guys. As if losing your daddy at a young age wasn't hard enough but to now live day in and day out with the knowledge that this disease resides in my body for the remainder of my life, is crap. And while we know I could live for many, many years or that a bus could run me down at any moment, unless someone has been touched personally with something like this, they will never understand the fear we live with.

But I tell you both right now, I have no intention of going anywhere (besides Australia) soon. I will do what I can to keep myself healthy (including no more standing on chairs)!

You girls are my love, my life, my everything and I am so proud of the young women you have become. And I look forward to seeing you become mothers yourself one day and understanding the joy I have, of having your own children around and building wonderful relationships with them.

I love looking at you and knowing you are a part of your father. He lives on in you and would be so very proud. I can often hear him in my mind talking to you, or calling out to you in only the way he would. A very special man - who gave up his life to give us security.

On that note, it is time to end this love note but how fitting it is, that I decide to write this on Valentines Day. A declaration of love 'from mum to daughters'.

Love you body, heart and soul.

'Mum'
xxxx

Valentines Day - Tuesday 14th February 2017 - 10.31pm

Busy summer week

What a mixed bag this past week but not in a bad way. I was surprised last Monday morning (Akld Anniv) by a visit from one of my nieces in Australia. She had come over for a mates wedding in Hawkes Bay and came to spend a couple of nights with us. She had come over previously a couple of other times for functions and we had not seen her, so her aunty lay the guilt trip on her. I don't think she have dared do it again and it was just lovely to see her and spend some time together. The kids all took me out for dinner on the Tuesday night to the Fortuna in the Skycity. Hubby didn't come as he was on a roll busy sorting shit out the back. Dinner was scrumptious! I completely gorged myself on the prawns and ended up with bloody gout! I haven't had gout for years and take allopurinol which is a preventative. At least I presume it was the prawns. I have never really known what has caused my getting gout but oh well. Lucky I had found my gout tablets last weekend so was able to take them and get rid of it before it got out of control.

Another Metavivor sister passed away on Wednesday morning. I couldn't believe it when I read the post. Two in such a short space of time and even though you don't know these women, you share something so intimate with them and its heartbreaking to hear that they have left this life and their loved ones. And as you message each other on this metavivors page with your thoughts or your experiences, unless you know these women personally, you have no idea how ill each of these lovely ladies are.

Another long weekend - I am sitting on our front deck, soaking up the rays just quietly chilling. Even the drone of the cars going up and down our road is quite comforting. I have been to see my lovely nutritionist Lynda today. I have decided to go on a high fat, low carb (or in my case, a no carb) eating plan. I have found it very easy to adjust to, I have not had any sugar cravings, and I feel great. The reason I am cutting all carbs out is because they convert to sugar and sugar is one of cancers worst enemies. So far I have lost 4.3 kilo's or 9.5lbs. I don't miss eating potatoes, rice, kumara etc really except for last night I did think a spoonful of mashed potato would be quite nice but I didn't do it. What I need to work on now is getting back into going for walks maybe 3 or 4 times a week. I might try later on this evening once it cools down a bit. We'll see...

I went to the lawyers yesterday to get my Will sorted. I haven't felt capable of talking about it to anyone as there is so much to think about. Its not bad but my thoughts need to be tweaked slightly but there are a few different scenarios I could go with and I walked out quite confused and really just wanting to bury my head in the sand. Not a good idea...but it is a weight off my shoulders knowing the process has been started.

My next infusion is on Wednesday but I think I need to contact the oncology nurse. I had to get my teeth checked by my dentist and get the all clear before my zometa infusions started. Which I did...And whenever I go to my oncology appointments they always ask how my teeth are. For the past few days the lefthand side hurts when I eat or drink anything hot. It doesn't hurt when I breathe in, like air getting into a hole in your tooth but it is quite sore. So better check it out, especially with going away in March. I do not want to be needing medical attention while out of NZ!

Goddam, this is just wonderful...sitting outside enjoying the summer weather and just relaxing.

Life is wonderful!

Saturday 4th February 2017 - 3.20pm