It feels like ages since last posting, I can’t even remember when was the last time. There have been numerous times when I have thought about it, whether to share the good, the bad or the ugly but it has simply felt too hard to do so. Tonight, I decided it was time to break the drought.
Its been a real mix of ups and downs but the one thing which remains consistant is my lack of motivation. I’m still trying to find ways of getting passed it and summer will be here in a matter of months and so with that, brings hope.
I have often banged on about feeling forgotten but within a period of a couple of weeks, I have had contact from a few people with whom I haven’t seen or spoken to for ages. These people have made me realise thats not true. We are all busy in our lives and we get caught up on day to day living and before we know it, months or years have gone by and you think “cripes, I’m going to go see that person” or whatever the circumstances may be. And we should follow those thoughts through as it is so worth it to the recipient. For me, I’ve had 4 really ‘wow’ moments with catching up and just recently so the afterglow of their visits and phone calls are still making me feel warm and fuzzy.
I had an oncology appointment last Monday, along with my treatment. My infusions are now 12 weekly andare timed with my visits to the oncologist. I still have to have my hormone injection every 28 days and I can’t believe that I forgot to take the damn injection with me to the hospital last week. I told the oncologist I would go to my GP to have it done (thats what I do for the in between treatment appts now), but in all honesty I just couldn’t be bothered and so to date, I still haven’t had it done. I kind of figure I’ll just wait until my next one is due, I simply can’t be bothered and I think to myself surely missing one hormone injection is not going to make that much of a difference...I hope! This is where my lack of motivation comes in, even something as important as part of my treatment.
I recently had one really awesome weekend, where my dear friend picked me up and took me for a drive to Helensville for lunch and then we wandered around the shops. It was great! Then lo and behold, my lovely cousin picked me up the next day to go for brunch and we ended up zgoing to Wellsford and same thing, wandered around the shops after our meal. What a great weekend, I loved it! If there is ever a time when you think that you would like to do something for me, picking me up to go for a drive is one, or cooking us dinner one night is another, although I appreciate cooking dinner for a family is a bit of an ask, but it could be something like a pot of chop suey, a casserole, something nice and simple. I used to be such a proud person but nowadays, I don’t! I struggle with cooking dinner every night and no one else in the house bothers, regularly anyhow. If I had to choose between having a housekeeper to do the housework, or a cook to do dinner each night, the cook would win hands down! I was going to look into one of those companies that send you fully cooked meals and all you need to do is heat it up. If I did that once a week, and then with another night where we just fend for ourselves, that would make a bit of a difference. But like anything, it all comes down to cost...
I’ve recently had a couple of instances where I have forgotten to take my pain killers, like missed doses completely and so the aches have crept up on me. I have now discovered just how wonderful my oxy meds are! You can definitely tell the difference from when I am in pain and once the meds have kicked in, usually taking about 20 mins to take effect. The pain isn’t a full on pain but more of a subtle dull nagging feeling. Its so unpleasant and such a relief when finally under control. The oncologist is going to send me for another CT scan before my next appointment which will be in December. Hopefully no changes. He was saying that I am doing incredibly well on the exemestane. I’ve been on it coming up four years in January 2020 and the usual time someone is on it, is 12- 18 months, like wow!!!!!! That is something!
Next month is the dreaded pink month, breast cancer awareness month. All the radio ads, pink ribbons, pink fundraisers and so on - ugh! But next month also marks four years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, November will be four years since my bilateral mastectomy and then January 29th, 2020 - will be four years since being diagnosed terminal. Four years, wow. People will say “aren’t you doing well”, “gosh your so lucky to have lasted that long”. I actually find that quite insulting. Isn’t it stink that I should be grateful because I have lived four years with this shitty disease. Do any of you ‘normal’ people feel grateful that you’ve survived the last four years and hope to get another four? I bet the answer is no...you don’t even think about time or how long you will live to, but yet those of us with terminal diseases should be grateful for surviving a few measly years.
I can honestly say a lot of the time, I hate my life. I hate how cancer has affected me. The constant aches, having to make sure I take regular drugs to ensure the pain doesn’t break through, the complete lack of motivation, the struggle to get up and get ready to go to work, then survive the actual day once I get there. My boring, boring life while for others, you get to go out and do fun things. I went to the mall the other day to get a couple of things from a couple of different shops. I was bloody exhausted by the time I got back to the car. I was sweating like a pig, my back was killing me. I had to come home and crash out for a sleep. Trying to motivate myself to cook dinner can be a huge one. I am usually better doing dinner after I get home from work. I guess because I have already been up and doing stuff. Housework is a joke. No one else at home bothers with it, so invarably I end up doing it. Our bathroom gets cleaned every two to three weeks (ugh, gross) but it takes so much out of my back doing it, especially cleaning the shower. The vacuum goodness knows when...Tell your family to help you, you say. I don’t know how many times I have asked for their help and they are well aware I have terminal cancer, but it doesn’t really seem to mean anything. I eventually get to a point where I cannot stand it any longer and I end up doing it, but then I have to psyche myself up. The same goes for dinner. If I don’t cook, we don’t eat. If its takeaways night, for some reason, its always my shout. And yet I often don’t work a full week and hubbys work is slowly down and I pay ALL the bills.
I hate my life yet I try not to, because I don’t particularly like the alternative either but this cancer ride is no fun. It certainly has a grip on me, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. No I don’t want counselling, however I have self medicated. I upped my happy pills from 1.5 a day to two a day. Haven’t checked it by the GP but will let them know when I next go. I can feel the effects. While it hasn’t helped my lack of motivation, it has helped with my temper and dark thoughts.
I find sometimes I stop myself updating this blog because my dark moods worry me and that you can’t bear to keep reading it. If that is the case, don’t read it. This blog is for me...to help me lessen the burden on my shoulders. If you don’t like what your reading, then don’t. I have no choice with having this damn wretched terminal cancer. I am stuck with it and so the things I go through is my life and I regularly struggle with it. Remember, you have a choice, I don’t.
Monday 30th September 2019 - 9.35pm
