I look in the mirror and I don’t recognise myself. I feel like I have completely disappeared and I don’t really know what to do to bring myself back again. I’m unhappy and I’m lonely. I’m not in a good space right now so I suggest if your not up for reading something on the ‘dark’ side, you may as well sign off right now. I have felt really unhappy for months now, I think it just slowly crept its way in without me really realising. My moods swing from feeling like I can’t handle talking to anyone and I want to curl up into a tight ball where no one can see me, to fits of rage where I want to scream at people. Sometimes I want to scream ‘look at me...see me...help me...talk to me, have time for me’ but I don’t and no one does...and the feelings of sadness, anger, loneliness and unhappiness intensifies.
God, why do I feel like this? Where has it come from? I don’t really know...I know that I am so over the aches and pains I feel...every goddam day. When I sleep and go to turn over in my sleep, I hurt...when I get out of bed, it hurts...when I walk, it hurts...when I sit for a period of time and I have to get up, it hurts. I’m aick of having to take pain killers constantly and then I forget to top the damn things up and so the pain creeps back in again but I don’t really realise it until it hits me with a bang, and then I have to start all over again. And so with decent pain killers, you become constipated - that is god awful. I could always ask the oncologist to change my meds but I don’t want to cut my options down before I have to and how do we know the others won’t have the same side effects.
I have no confidence...I shy away from situations that are outside of my comfort zone...I simply don’t want to talk to anyone...I don’t have the energy to be concerned for anyone else. It doesn’t stop me from thinking about people and worry about how they are, but it stops me from taking it any further and actually contacting them - I am simply incapable of it. I don’t want to talk to people about how I am feeling...
Sometimes all I want to do is cry...and sometimes I do. Last weekend, I was extremely tearful - hubby and I had a huge fight. He thought I was mad at him, but I wasn’t, simply just sad and lost. I don’t have it in me to make it up with him...he doesn’t understand... no one does. Its not even the thought of this bullshit disease killing me one day...its simply the pain and the impact it has had on me. I am so sick of being brave and strong...none of that was a bullshit bravado act, which I’m sure people will say it was, because they know much better than me, how I feel or have felt...but its like a switch has gone off inside my head and I am losing my way...
Even now as I type this, a part of me wants to break down and sob my heart out, but this tough exterior won’t allow me to. I hold it all in until I can hold it no more and it spews out in whatever form manifests at that time.
I think I am mildly depressed...I don’t have anything in the tank right now to get help. I don’t want to go to counselling, I don’t feel like talking. I don’t want to get anti-depressants, not because I don’t believe in them because I do - I just don’t want to add to the reigime of tablets I take at the moment. This one counteracts against that one, and this one affects your blood pressure and so on...I hope I’ll just come right on my own. I do wonder though, what kind of life is this...I work all week and then stay home and crochet my baby blankets. Such a sad, pathetic life. Is this even a life? In all honesty, what is the point? I don’t want to die, of course I don’t but is there more than just going through the motions and working to pay the bills for everyone elses security?
How I desperately hate having cancer...
Monday 18th June 2018 - 11.15pm
