Its been a pretty awful two weeks (sorry followers, I deleted the ramble about being in pain). A little over a week ago, I was experiencing some pretty awful pain, in my right hip and in my back and the continuation of the terrible throbbing in my feet. At first I thought it was just a chill or something but then it started to get quite serious so I got onto the oncology nurse and she was able to help me out. Unfortunately with the great pain killers, I experienced extreme tiredness as a side effect. I am happy to say that pain has now gone and I am now back to my usual aches! But this week, I still haven't felt right, feeling a heaviness in my body and my tummy has not been feeling right for days but I have just tried to ignore it. I ended up coming home from work this morning, I felt bloody awful and didn't have it in me to try and push through like I usually do.
And my moods - goddam, I feel like they are getting out of control. When I am driving, look out any cars that get in my way. I am cursing up a storm (more than normal) and I just get so pissed off at the stupidest rhings. Things that 18 months ago, I would have laughed off...and since last night I have a sore finger on my right hand which of course has to be my "no lymph nodes" side and it has blown up like a small balloon and is bloody sore. I got my big girl to draw a line where the redness is in case it travels. I am worried about it, its so hard not to become paranoid but everytime something happens, you wonder what effect will it have?
How I yearn to be my old self again...to not be this grumpy, self pitying person. I know when my temper is starting to rise, I can feel it but I feel powerless to stop it. I hate it. I wish I didn't have cancer and all the crap that goes with it. All the things that I am experiencing are small in comparison to what others are going through and so I begin to feel guilty and wonder what on earth am I whining about?
And the tiredness...that has pretty much been pretty ongoing the last few weeks too...its so draining. I have no oomph, nothing. I just don't feel up to doing anything at all. I feel tired and out of sorts. I hope it goes away soon...
What even is my old self? I have forgotten what I was like and what life was like before 'breast cancer'. I don't think it was any more exciting or that I did anything special but I had choices. Or felt like I had more choices. Some days I feel like this is an existance, it is so hard gearing myself up to do anything. Even the simplest things. I avoid going to the mall or to go shopping. The thought of going somewhere, I have to talk myself into it for days beforehand. My mother in law is in hospital and has been a number of times - I haven't been to see her once, (at the hospital I mean). In fact, I hardly go and visit her at home either, it just takes too much effort and I just don't have it in me too much these days. You read about other people who have been told they are dying and so they go off to do these weird and wonderful things with the rest of the time they have. How do they do it???? I honestly ask myself how and where do they get the energy? I would be too tired all the time and worried about the money. Think I was made too logical - not even sure that is the right word. But you know what? I am too tired to think anymore about it.
I miss me...I miss my happy self. I hope I come back soon...
Lately I wonder "who am I?"
Friday 19th May 2017 - 12.20am
