Busy summer week

What a mixed bag this past week but not in a bad way. I was surprised last Monday morning (Akld Anniv) by a visit from one of my nieces in Australia. She had come over for a mates wedding in Hawkes Bay and came to spend a couple of nights with us. She had come over previously a couple of other times for functions and we had not seen her, so her aunty lay the guilt trip on her. I don't think she have dared do it again and it was just lovely to see her and spend some time together. The kids all took me out for dinner on the Tuesday night to the Fortuna in the Skycity. Hubby didn't come as he was on a roll busy sorting shit out the back. Dinner was scrumptious! I completely gorged myself on the prawns and ended up with bloody gout! I haven't had gout for years and take allopurinol which is a preventative. At least I presume it was the prawns. I have never really known what has caused my getting gout but oh well. Lucky I had found my gout tablets last weekend so was able to take them and get rid of it before it got out of control.

Another Metavivor sister passed away on Wednesday morning. I couldn't believe it when I read the post. Two in such a short space of time and even though you don't know these women, you share something so intimate with them and its heartbreaking to hear that they have left this life and their loved ones. And as you message each other on this metavivors page with your thoughts or your experiences, unless you know these women personally, you have no idea how ill each of these lovely ladies are.

Another long weekend - I am sitting on our front deck, soaking up the rays just quietly chilling. Even the drone of the cars going up and down our road is quite comforting. I have been to see my lovely nutritionist Lynda today. I have decided to go on a high fat, low carb (or in my case, a no carb) eating plan. I have found it very easy to adjust to, I have not had any sugar cravings, and I feel great. The reason I am cutting all carbs out is because they convert to sugar and sugar is one of cancers worst enemies. So far I have lost 4.3 kilo's or 9.5lbs. I don't miss eating potatoes, rice, kumara etc really except for last night I did think a spoonful of mashed potato would be quite nice but I didn't do it. What I need to work on now is getting back into going for walks maybe 3 or 4 times a week. I might try later on this evening once it cools down a bit. We'll see...

I went to the lawyers yesterday to get my Will sorted. I haven't felt capable of talking about it to anyone as there is so much to think about. Its not bad but my thoughts need to be tweaked slightly but there are a few different scenarios I could go with and I walked out quite confused and really just wanting to bury my head in the sand. Not a good idea...but it is a weight off my shoulders knowing the process has been started.

My next infusion is on Wednesday but I think I need to contact the oncology nurse. I had to get my teeth checked by my dentist and get the all clear before my zometa infusions started. Which I did...And whenever I go to my oncology appointments they always ask how my teeth are. For the past few days the lefthand side hurts when I eat or drink anything hot. It doesn't hurt when I breathe in, like air getting into a hole in your tooth but it is quite sore. So better check it out, especially with going away in March. I do not want to be needing medical attention while out of NZ!

Goddam, this is just wonderful...sitting outside enjoying the summer weather and just relaxing.

Life is wonderful!

Saturday 4th February 2017 - 3.20pm

A good start to the year...

Its been a relatively quiet few weeks, nothing too exciting going on, but I have decided that 'exciting' is over rated and I am more than happy with quiet and boring. Although remind me of that when I am in one of my moods and bored shitless because I have nowhere to go!

I am in 'positive' mode at the moment. I had already decided I wanted to make this a much better year and to try and do what I could in my power to make it that way. I am taking my painkillers regularly so I no longer ache like I used to. I can tell the difference for instance, during the night when I have to get up - my hands and feet are aching but it is tolerable since I just go back to bed and sleep. I am trying during the week, to go to bed early, so I am not tired and have enough fuel in the tank to get through a working day and week. Its only early days but it seems to be working. And with going back to see Lynda my nutritionist and so watching what I am eating and even having lost a few kilo's, that is also having an effect on me. I feel great! And it feels great to be feeling great!

By the end of last year, I was so exhausted and couldn't be bothered with too much of anything, I was sure I wanted to cut my working hours down. But honestly, at the moment, I feel on top of the world and I am more than happy to be fulltime.

My trip to Melbourne to see my sister and family is coming up quite quickly. I try not to think about it too much and I know the time with them will fly by so quickly, but I can't wait to see them all. If I think about it too much, I get too excited (that word again) and I feel like a cat on a hot tin roof...I was messaging with my sister the other night and she said they are all so excited - yay!!!!!

My lovely nutritionist just recently shared my story and video on her website and facebook page and encouraged her clients to share it, to help get the word out there about the importance of being vigilant and being aware of breast cancer. She also shared it with a few other contacts of hers and I absolutely appreciate it. This lady has been so good to me. She has kept in contact with me as I had been going to see her before I was diagnosed with BC, so she would check to see how I was doing. She gave me advice on what I should eat when in recovery mode and now with being diagnosed MBC, I am seeing her on a regular basis while I learn how to eat wisely and get some of this damn weight off that I had put on in the last year. She's wonderful, I am honestly so grateful to have met her. Thank you Lynda.

On a sad note, one of our Metavivor ladies died earlier this week. Metavivors is a closed facebook group for women with MBC. You can post anything, queries you may have, your fears, good stories, anything and the support from others who 'get it' is great. It can be quite confronting at times and I will go through stages where I won't read any of the posts as I get overwhelmed and you just want to rush in and give all these wonderful women big hugs and lots of support but in reality, you just can't do it. But to read that this lovely lady had died, was quite devastating. She had posted something in early January with some glamour pictures she had recently had taken, and maybe that is why I really felt I had lost someone I knew. To be able to put a face to a name, I don't know. Very sad...and of course I feel for her family and wonder how they are doing.

But for me, life is good...in fact better than good - it is great! And I just wanted to share that with you all. I hope that whatever you are doing, you are keeping well and enjoying life..and so the first month of the new year is almost over and it has been pretty bloody good overall. Lets see what February brings - more of the same!

Sunday 28th January 2017 - 12.03am

Oncology appointment - 11 January 2017

I had my three monthly oncology appointment today. My baby girl came with me as my note taker. I was under the impression it was simply to see the oncologist as I had not received an appointment for my Zometa infusion. I had put this down to having broken my toes and thought perhaps they were waiting a few months before starting it up again. Nope...not the case at all. They had simply not notified me. Luckily I had said something about it to Reuben Broome and he advised me otherwise.

Nothing to report really. Falling on my tailbone will not affect the cancer (phew!) - that was the one I was worried about. Nothing untoward in the ultrasound on my neck gland done in November and because I have done so well in the last year, we will keep the status quo. He is ordering a CT scan and bone scan for the last week in March after I return from Melbourne and the results will be ready for my next oncology appointment on 5th April. These are usually the 'interesting' appointments, as it gives us a guideline on what the cancer is doing.

Zometa infusion went as normal with my zoladex injection afterwards. All good, the nurse was able to find a vein after putting my hand in hot water for about ten minutes. So thats over for another 28 days. Next treatment is 8th February.

This is my first week back at work after a two week break. While I had periods of feeling bored and shitty (yep, those mood swings again), I had a lovely rest and am quite happy to be back. At the end of last year I was tired and really struggling with a 40 hour working week. Now I feel like I am ready to take on the world. Hope it lasts...I need to find ways of coping and managing the tiredness.

I had one particularly shitty day while I was on leave, god I really hate those days. They are truly bloody awful and I dispise feeling that way but feel like I have no control or any way of reigning those feelings in at that time. I decided the best thing was to remove myself away from everyone so I went and shut myself up in the bedroom and quietly stewed. A bit later hubby came and checked on me, to make sure I was ok. In his quiet, gentle manner, he seems to know how to calm me down. He took the time to sit and listen to me as I talked about how I was feeling and he slotted his little words of wisdom in here and there. Mood improved - I was grateful and I think so was the rest of the household!

Wednesday 11th January 2017 - 8.55pm

New Years Eve 'eve' 2016

Its 11.44pm Friday night and I for the first time in many, many years have polished off a bottle of wine. That may not seem like much to some of you but since my girls were just a few years old, I stopped drinking apart from the occasional one. So this really is quite big for me.

Not really sure what brought it on either, except that hubbys uncle gave me a bottle of merlot for Christmas (love merlot!) and I had been itching to crack it open since Boxing night but I was picking my older girl up from work at 9pm 26th, 27th and 28th December, and lo and behold did not feel like it last night.

Right at this moment, I just kind of think "fuck it - life is too short to not stop and enjoy things in the here and now". Not quite sure what I will be saying in the morning however...

But it has been a pleasant evening. Hubby and I having a drink together out in the backyard...long time since we have done that. The simple things are the nicest...

2017 is looming towards us - I have such high hopes for it.

Wishing you all a very happy new year. May 2017 be a kind year to us all. May we surround ourselves with those that mean a lot to us, forget the bullshit and live life as it was meant to be lived...

Between Christmas & New Year 2016/17

As I start this, it is 2.24pm Thursday afternoon (29/12/16). It feels like it should be time to get dinner on but thats only because it has been such a busy morning.

Left home at 6.45am-ish to drop my big girl off into town so she could catch the coach up to Whangarei. She's gone up to spend some time with her mate, for New Years and comes back in about a week. I miss her already...(hopeless!). But hope she has a frigging awesome time.

Then I came home, had brekky and then was off to the hospital to the orthopaedic clinic about my toe. "Throw the moon boot away, you don't need it!" Talk about music to my ears!!!! He said the toes will heal themselves, they are still swollen and will stay that way for a while yet, but hey who cares!!! I could have danced down the hallway except I had to put the moon boot back on, as I only had one shoe with me (and man, they are damn heavy!). Not quite sure what I am going to do about wearing shoes just yet as the thought of cramming my left foot into a shoe brings instant tears to my eyes!

So then it was come home, have some lunch and then hubby and I went Pak n Save shopping - ugh! First time in goodness knows how long, was exhausted by the end of it but we got it done. Hubby took charge, I was really there just to drive us there and pay at the check out...so its been an extremely busy day...just chilling out, updating here before I have a wee snooze before doing dinner.

Its lovely having this time off work. I was tired and in much need of a break. We've been pretty busy, what with getting ready for Christmas Day, visitors and then my mission was to get into the crap that has been sitting out the back of our place for the last two years. It was all put out there (from every nook and cranny within this small house) when we had new carpet put in, in March or April 2015, then winter hit and then breast cancer that October and of course the rest is history. This time last year I was recovering from surgeries, battling infections, in and out of hospital and just not up for sorting shit out. Hubby and I have been going thru stuff, sorting what to keep, what to get rid of and as I am trying to get rid of stuff, he is behind me saying he wants to keep it!!!! He is terrible, a much worse hoarder than me! And while it has been pretty frantic and messy, it feels bloody good to get it done. Still a load of crap there and perhaps I will need to go through it again and see if I can fine tune it a bit more.

Leading up to Christmas was very interesting. I felt very sad a lot of the time, specially when Christmas songs came on. They have always make me a bit teary eyed, but especially since losing mum and dad, and then my beloved David. I kept thinking about the first Christmas that I won't be here and how grieved the girls and hubby will be, it was awful. I felt guilty, I felt like I should have been enjoying this time with them and making the most of it but instead I was dwelling on something that is still in the future and of which I have no control over, or limited if any. It was really quite awful, but over it now.

I have decided that 2016 has been a year of coming to terms with stuff and that 2017 is the start of the rest of my life. I want to try and leave the cancer behind as much as I can. Easier said than done, I know. I mean it is part of me, but it certainly does not define who I am. Having said that though, there have been many times when I have felt the cancer has defined who I am, to a degree. But! If anything, it has made me realise that I need to start focusing on the positives and hanging out with people who mean something to me and are happy to be a part of my journey. I want to start doing things, maybe going out of my comfort zone, though I am quite nervous about it. And not too sure where to start. Perhaps just 'living' my life is a good start.

I have also decided with the help of others, that I want to start transitioning into using chemical free things. Shampoo, conditioner, soaps, clothes washing liquid, household cleaners etc. I had been thinking about it for a while, had brought some Eco Store goodies at the Home Show to try but then decided they were quite expensive to keep up with, and then my lovely friend won an Eco Store pack for me in a competition just before Christmas. I was rapt, god it was wonderful...and then my three babies all pitched in and brought me a heap of Eco Store products for Christmas. They said when they heard that my friend had won that pack for me, they were worried, but I have said no way!!! Its great, it will keep me going for a while. I love it!!! In all honesty I don't really know what good it will do. But its worth a try right? I have never bothered to check the labels on things I have brought before, driven by price only, and to a point, I still am. If I use these products just for myself, they will last longer. But when we went grocery shopping today, I was pleasantly surprised at how many Eco Store products they are now stocking. This is probably about the second or third time I have done shopping in the last 12 months. I am more than happy to give it back to my big girl when she comes home...I definitely don't miss it...

Some of my 'Eco Store' products

Thursday 29th December 2016 - 3.23pm

A better day today

I just wanted to update from my post the other night. I have been pretty low the last couple of weeks but especially this past week. Yesterday I felt much better and am happy to say hubby is on the mend, which is wonderful and we even went out last night to get a couple of things. Today is my last day at work until Monday 9th January and I am so excited! I have been back at work for just over 8 momths without a break apart from the occasional sick day, so no wonder I am ready for a bit of time off.

Thank you all for the support you have shown, whether it be reading my blog, listening to my griping, sending me lovely messages of support - it is so appreciated and may there be many more years of it yet!!!!

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas - have a wonderful day with your loved ones as none of us know what is in store and when our time will be up. The most important thing in life is spending time with those you love.

Thank you again and see you all soon xx

Christmas Eve 'Eve' 2016 - 7.08am

Christmas grinch

I don't know where to start. I am in such a foul mood, and feel like I have been all week. I don't know if it is a menopausal mood or because I am so mad at myself for standing on that damn chair and breaking bones, ending up in this goddam moon boot. My tail bone hurts pretty much constantly - the toes don't til I bang them I s'pose god forbid. I have been taking paracetamol, ibuprofin and codeine regularly but am now trying to make do without the codeine as I only have two left. I should probably ring my GP to see if she will give me another script but its just too hard. Maybe I will do it tomorrow. Either my temper or tears are simmering very close to the top on a regular basis. I either want to rip heads off or break down and sob myself stupid. I broke down three fricking times at work yesterday. It was awful...I HATE crying but it feels all too much at the moment. I am worried about how my bones will heal, will it affect the cancer in some way, have I unwittingly put a closer death sentence on myself??? Will it screw up my trip to Australia in March next year? And what about my tailbone? That really worries me. I have cancer in my lower back bone, what if I have really screwed something up there? I am scared...I am angry at myself...what a fucking dum arse thing to do, what was I even thinking? Well obviously I wasn't. I was aware that I had to be careful not to fall, it never even occurred to me the damn chair might break. And the moon boot...I am getting used to wearing it but it does stop me from doing stuff. I can't go around the shops. I tried the other night, I went shopping walking on my boot but I was bloody exhausted afterwards and I could only go to the warehouse so was limited on what I could get. Should I be using the crutches??? Probably but whats the bloody point of giving me crutches without telling me how to use the stupid things. Its slow and its tedious. No lectures please...cos I just don't need them.
I cried yesterday cos one of the ladies at work asked how I was, I broke down and cried...I composed myself and then someone else asked what was wrong...I cried again. And then the kiwisaver man rang me and I broke down on the phone talking to him.
I had got a quote done to paint the exterior of the house, it needs it and I want it done while I am alive and can enjoy it. I do not want to add to the mortgage so I tried kiwisaver, knowing I probably wouldn't get it but I have seem other mbc ladies say they got access to theirs so I figured there could be a possibility. They wanted to know the ins and outs of a ducks arse, so I gave it to them, got it signed off by a JP (my boss luckily) and sent it off. Got a phone call bout a week later to say the form I had used was an old one (it was a form I had from when I was still off work earlier this year) and had to re-do the application - fuck! So he sent me a new one and I had to have it back to him by Fri 22rd Dec. We talked and basically he said I probably would not be successful with my application as I earn too much and I am not close enough to death just yet (my words, not his) but if I could get a doctor to put something in writing, it could help my case. He said the application would go on to another person/department but he would try his best to push my application through as much as he could. I basically decided there and then it was too damn hard, I could not be bothered digging out all that info again, so I broke down while talking to him yesterday and said to scrap it...that I knew I wasn't half dead yet since that was a qualification.  I felt sorry for him, he was really polite and just doing his job but I felt sorry for me more. I did apologise but I just felt "b-r-o-k-e-n".  I have put myself together again with a few plasters but it feels like the sticky isn't very sticky so will be easy to fall off.
Christmas is a few days away and I don't have a festive bone in my body, broken or not! And that is not like me. I normally love Christmas but this year I could quite easily ignore it, tell everyone else to go to nana's while I stay home and wallow, I just cannot summon up any enthusiasm. Hubby hasn't been well either and has had an awful reaction to meds he was taking so we are in the midst of getting that sorted. I feel I have to go to his appointments with him as he gets things so fuddled, but I am worried about him too. Where does this shit end..when I'm dead?
I am now tossing up whether to go to the bank and top up the mortgage. I don't really want to but nor do I want to leave the girls a house that is in desperate need of repair. And there is already so much for hubby to do, he is only one man, doing shit on his own. Wouldn't it be nice if he had a son he could count on...yeah right!
There are a couple of silver linings though...first one is I finish work on Fri 23rd Dec and don't go back to work til Mon 9th Jan. I cannot wait until Fri afternoon, I have shit around here I want to do and to be able to sleep in. The other silver lining is I go to see the orthopaedic clinic on Thurs 29th Dec. I want to know what exactly is going on with my toes, whether I am screwing them up more by walking on the boot without the crutches and getting some proper instruction on what to do and not do. That I am excited about, not Christmas...I am sure once the day is here, I will be fine - its just the lead up to it.
I feel like a miserable old hag, but I can't help it and I don't really have anything left in the tank to do anything about it right now. I'll just wait for those silver linings and see what happens

Wednesday 21st December 2016 - 7.34pm