What have I done

What have I done? I have only gone and broken two toes on my left foot...I had brought some christmas lights and wanted to have them put up out the back by the time my baby got home from work as a surprise. She got a surprise alright but not the one I was hoping to give her. She got a surprise to hear that mum was in the ED department at the local hospital! I had been standing on wooden chairs to put these damn lights up when one just completely broke beneath me and I went down with a crash and fell backwards onto my tailbone and very luckily not hitting my head. I kind of figured straight away I had broken one toe due to the angle it was sitting at. After hours of sitting up in ED, my foot blew up like a balloon and two of my toes turned black and purple. I am now in a moon boot for the next six weeks with crutches. God what an idiot! What was one of the things I was told by the oncologist at our first appointment? "Don't put yourself in a position where you could break any bones" dum, dum, dum - I am so pissed off at myself.

Two days later, I am struggling to use these stupid crutches. It is very slow moving, I find I can get round quicker without them but then I got told off today that I am not allowing the fractures to knit together while I am putting my weight on my foot.

I had an appointment today with the breast surgeon, or one of her team I should say. It was really a waste of time. She just checked my implant and the other side where the saggy bit of skin is left from loss of implant. I told her I hate both the implant and the boobless side. She said they will do whatever they can to make me feel better about myself, whether that be to take out my existing implant or put in a new implant to replace the one I lost. I need to make a decision on what I would like. I told her even though I hate the implant, it is vanity that makes me feel I would not be able to go 'flat'. She was lovely actually and said it's not vanity at all. Breasts are like limbs, we have grown up with them and miss them when we no longer have them. There is no hurry to make this decision. The thought of going back on the table again for more surgery makes me quite nervous. Funnily enough, I don't really have a fear of getting another infection - completely different circumstances it would be this time.

Tomorrow I was supposd to have my next Zometa imfusion. I rang the oncology imfusion ward yesterday to advise them of what had happened and would it have any effect on having my infusion. For some reason, it just didn't really sit well with me that I would have this stuff coursing through my body while I had a couple of breaks in my bones. The nurse checked it out with the oncologist and luckily I rang because they decided to put it off until January. I am quite happy to not have to go. I am back at work tomorrow and after having two days off work, don't really want to have to leave the office. Auckland Hospital is also surrounded by hills so I was a bit worried about parking the car and then having to walk to the acute oncology unit.

I am bloody tired and have been since the fall. I am taking paracetamol, codeine and ibuprofin. I think it might be the codeine tiring me. The good thing about taking these drugs is that I have not been experiencing my usual aching. I was just going to start taking the paracetomol/ codeine the GP had given me in the mornings with my daily meds to see what kind of difference it would make when
this happened.

Hard to believe Christmas is less than two weeks away. I don't have a festive bone in my body at this stage. I definitely will not be going Christmas shopping with a moon boot and a pair of crutches! My two big kids went up the road last night to buy some new decorations for our tree. Both the tree and our decorations were looking a bit aad, but looks lovely with a bit of a facelift. The kids have given it a black and gold theme and I think it looks beautiful

Tuesday 13th December 2016 - 6.20pm

Grotty week

Bloody hell, what a bloody awful week this has been. I have felt very out of sorts and I don't really know why. It is probably a combination of having a super busy weekend last week, having a sick husband, late nights with a touch of hormonal crap mixed in. I normally have quite a sunny disposition, try to see the positives but I did not feel like being that way this week. I couldn't be bothered making conversation with anyone, I bit peoples heads off, I didn't give two shits about anyone...it was awful. I have been tired and really feeling the pressure of working full time, and came home Monday afternoon at 2.30pm, exhausted. So, so lucky to have a supportive work environment.

It kind of came to a head this morning. I went to my nutritionist appointment this morning and broke down and sobbed my eyes out. I am just fed up with everything. I hate the weight I have put on, I hate that I have to watch what I eat particularly sugar because it is so bad for cancer. I hate that I should be exercising because I hate exercise (once I start I am fine, its the getting going that is tough).  I hate lots of things at the moment. Its just a mood and I will get over it at some stage but its bloody exhausting in the meantime. My eyes feel so heavy and tired yet I am unable to go to sleep just yet. I hope that by writing this, it will help ease my crappy mood.

The other day at work, the song 'Maniac' came on (from Flashdance) and I just wanted to break down there and then, I had such vivid memories of David, it was almost like he was there in reach, for me to touch and I felt the loss of him quite dramatically, almost like when he first died. David loved the movie 'Flashdance', it was one of his favourites. Personally I think he loved Jennifer Beals more than the movie! And so to hear this song out of the blue and while I was in this state of mind, hit hard.  I find that David is on my mind often, not that he has ever left it, but he is always lurking there in the background. I wonder if he was aware that he was dying, I wonder if we will meet again when I die or will I just be nothing nowhere except a passing thought in others minds. And once I find out, I won't be able to come back and tell anyone, cos so far no one has been able to.

The thought of dying is confronting. The fear of it is even worse. I belong to a support network of women with mbc and it is wonderful. It is also very scary because I wonder if this is what I have to come a bit further down the track. I am so well, why do I go on about dying? Because I have a disease that will one day kill me and I don't know when. It is terrifying, but I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like this. I want to make the most of it, but how can I when I feel so tired all the time. Why can't I forget that I have this? How lucky am I compared to those in wartorn countries where they don't even have homes, when they don't know when their next meal will be, where they don't even know if their families have survived or not...why don't I feel lucky?

I have a hospital appointment on Tuesday morning with the breast surgeon, not really sure why. I haven't seen her since around about the time I lost my implant. And then I have my next infusion / hormone injection on Wednesday.

My eyes are feeling really tired, I feel like I will be able to sleep now...

Saturday - 10th Dec 2016 - 3.06pm

Thank you for the kind thought

My baby came home last night after she had been hanging out with a friend after work, armed with a gift from her friend and her friends mum.

Thank you 'J' for your lovely thought and please pass on my thank you to your mum. It's quite humbling to receive such kindness. Big hugs xx

Monday 5/12/16 - 7.11am (oops, off to work now!)

Catching up on last few weeks

Its been a fairly quiet past few weeks, hence no posts lately. But I guess quiet is good eh...I much prefer the 'boring' humdrum of life because it means nothing out of the ordinary happening.

Its been a fairly busy weekend this one. I went to church with my sister-in-law on Friday where we were treated to a hangi and performances. It was lovely. A few people got up and spoke about their lives before asking Christ to come into their lives. At times I asked myself if I should be. Will it make this journey easier? Would I find the thought of dying easier because I would know that one day I would be meeting my maker? I don't know...obviously not there as yet if ever.

Its been quite a busy week this one. Out for dinner to a Korean restaurant on Tuesday night. It was a gift and I was able to share that gift with my mate. It was lovely and we got to meet a lovely couple who also shared this experience with us.

I have had the chance to catch up with  a few family members who live out of Auckland, which is always lovely. Never long enough, but always enjoyable and grateful they think of us.

All in all it has been a very social week and now it is Sunday evening, work again tomorrow but I can go to work feeling like I have done something besides sit at home trying to psyche up the energy to do another 40 hours of work. I take that as a positive. It means I am getting my energy levels up and enjoying getting out and about.

I have been talking the past few months about going to Australia to spend some time with my sister and family. It is now becoming real as I have applied for and received my passport and am hoping to be off this week sometime to book my tickets. No husband and no children. Just my cousin and I. We both deserve some time out and are a good support system for each other so it seems only fitting we go over together. I hope he finds it as relaxing as I will and not get bored, especially by two sisters who are yakking their heads off. The plan is to go sometime in March, once the weather has calmed down a bit but not when it is cold. Can't wait!

I have been talking to people lately about wanting to mark each birthday now as they come. I don't mean by having a party but to celebrate it in some way. As we get older, we tend to not want to admit to our age or feel wistful and wishing we were younger. Me...if there is something I have learnt is that I will be happy to make as many more birthdays as possible and get as old as possible. I will be 52 next year and proud of it! I don't want them to go too fast of course!

My hands have been aching quite a lot today, both of them which is quite unusual. Funnily enough I had to go see my GP the other day and she was asking how I am. I told her about the achiness and she told me off when she found out I don't take anything for it, unless I am really feeling it. I told her I don't want to keep taking them for fear of my body getting used to them and I want to leave it in case I end up in a lot more pain further down the track. Basically she said that is bollocks (she didn't put it like that though!) and said you don't get immune to pain meds and if my pain does get a lot worse, the pain meds will get a lot stronger so she has prescribed me something. I even admit to taking some but still very tentatively. She told me it would give me a much better quality of life...sounds bloody awful, like I'm on my last legs already!

My house has been very quiet today. Hubby is unwell and has been in bed for most of the last few days. I hate seeing him like this actually, poor bugger. Hopefully he will be better soon. My big girl is hung over, and has been in bed all day, young daughter has been working all day and her boyfriend has been out all day. So this cancer person has actually been the healthiest one here all day!!! How funny is that! I've been cleaning, washing, hanging clothes out, bringing clothes in, cooking dinner...phew! Its been a while since I've done all that and apart from an aching back (no pain meds) I have actually felt quite productive. Also quite glad I don't have to do it all the time!

Must be time for a cuppa...

Ultrasound for neck gland

Why is it that your brain starts to tick over in the middle of the night? Its dark, its quiet, I have already been asleep for a little while but have woken up and now unable to go back to sleep. I am due to have my ultrasound on my neck gland at 11.00am (its now 1.23am) and I am nervous as hell. I have tried not to think about it too much and its good because everyday life gets in the way, but those times where I have really stopped to think about what could be, I get such a sinking feeling in my stomach and feel quite nauseous.

Its hard not to worry about what could be. This is what having this awful disease does to you. It makes you paranoid at every turn. Fingers crossed that this worry and paranoia is all for nothing - I think I would be quite ecstatic...

If a biopsy is done at the same time as the ultrasound, it could take up to two weeks to get the results and then it will be a matter of when my next oncologist appointment will be to find out.

Wednesday 16th November, 2016 - 2.20am

*********************************************************************************


I went for an ultrasound on my neck gland on Wednesday. It has on a pretty regular basis felt achy like when they are swollen and it hurt slightly when I would swallow. Not to the extent as when you have an infection but nonetheless it is there. It comes and goes. The ultrasound has not shown up anything which is a huge relief, she said both sides look absolutely normal. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wonder what will happen now. Will it get investigated in some other way or simply keep a close eye on it and see what happens over time. I am sure this will be discussed at my next oncology appointment. But such a huge sigh of relief...and no biopsy required!!!!

I had a close friend come with me for company which was lovely and we killed a couple of hours between appointments. Ultrasound at Greenlane and then off to Auckland for my infusion. We even managed to get in a bit early, which was great for getting home on the motorway. Haven't appeared to have any side effects at all, but just this evening am feeling like I am seizing up quite a bit. My back is aching and also the left side by my implant is aching. That is something new but possibly just because I am so tired.

another infusion over for another 28 days - these make you realise how quickly time goes by

Friday 18th November, 2016 - 10.56pm

Video clip

Since October is breast cancer awareness month, I decided to share my story with work in a visual way. I asked if they would be interested in doing a video of me talking about my story, to try to encourage the education of breast cancer. And so it was done. It was put on works facebook page and people were encouraged to share it in order to spread the word. I shared it to my page, asking others to do the same. The end result was that it was shared 43 times, 'viewed' 1700 times and apparently according to stats was 'seen' over 5000 times. I don't quite know the difference between viewed and seen but these were the stats given. The video has also been put on works website and put up on youtube, which hasn't had quite the same impact but that is a much bigger platform. I am rapt with the response. It has definitely exceeded any figures I may have had floating around in my head.

I have included a copy of the youtube video, for those of you that would like to see it. There are no bells and whistles. It is simply me, talking in a short space of time about my diagnosis, what will happen and why I wanted to do this video. It is something I have become quite passionate about and even now as I look at it, I tear up. It is still so raw...I think it is because it is still hard to believe that this is really happening.

I think I would like to continue doing this sort of thing, perhaps to small groups. Not sure I could summon up the courage to speak in front of a lot of people. But everyone needs to realise that this is a deadly disease. If not caught early you could die.

Thank you for watching,
Tania.

Thursday 10th November, 2016 - 9.55pm

Thank you

I had a pretty 'down' night last night after going to bed and starting to think about things.  This evening I have had a number of people make direct contact after reading it to make sure I was ok. I am fine however, I am sure there will be more of those times to come.

I really appreciate the concern shown, and just wanted to say 'thank you', and for a variety of reasons. For following or reading this blog, for touching base from time to time, for caring and for allowing my thoughts whether they be good or bad, into your life.

Monday 7th November, 2016 - 12.22am